{"id":109007,"date":"2021-09-09T21:10:55","date_gmt":"2021-09-10T01:10:55","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/marcellee.com\/?p=109007"},"modified":"2023-08-22T06:22:11","modified_gmt":"2023-08-22T10:22:11","slug":"the-ladys-dressing-room-poem-jonathan-swift","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/marcellee.com\/?p=109007","title":{"rendered":"The Lady’s Dressing Room ( poem ) … Jonathan Swift"},"content":{"rendered":"

Five hours, (and who can do it less in?)
\nBy haughty Celia spent in dressing;
\nThe goddess from her chamber issues,
\nArrayed in lace, brocades, and tissues.<\/p>\n

Strephon, who found the room was void
\nAnd Betty otherwise employed,
\nStole in and took a strict survey
\nOf all the litter as it lay;
\nWhereof, to make the matter clear,
\nAn inventory follows here.<\/p>\n

And first a dirty smock appeared,
\nBeneath the arm-pits well besmeared.
\nStrephon, the rogue, displayed it wide
\nAnd turned it round on every side.
\nOn such a point few words are best,
\nAnd Strephon bids us guess the rest;
\nAnd swears how damnably the men lie
\nIn calling Celia sweet and cleanly.
\nNow listen while he next produces
\nThe various combs for various uses,
\nFilled up with dirt so closely fixt,
\nNo brush could force a way betwixt.
\nA paste of composition rare,
\nSweat, dandruff, powder, lead and hair;
\nA forehead cloth with oil upon\u2019t
\nTo smooth the wrinkles on her front.
\nHere alum flower to stop the steams
\nExhaled from sour unsavory streams;
\nThere night-gloves made of Tripsy\u2019s hide,
\nBequeath\u2019d by Tripsy when she died,
\nWith puppy water, beauty\u2019s help,
\nDistilled from Tripsy\u2019s darling whelp;
\nHere gallypots and vials placed,
\nSome filled with washes, some with paste,
\nSome with pomatum, paints and slops,
\nAnd ointments good for scabby chops.
\nHard by a filthy basin stands,
\nFouled with the scouring of her hands;
\nThe basin takes whatever comes,
\nThe scrapings of her teeth and gums,
\nA nasty compound of all hues,
\nFor here she spits, and here she spews.
\nBut oh! it turned poor Strephon\u2019s bowels,
\nWhen he beheld and smelt the towels,
\nBegummed, besmattered, and beslimed
\nWith dirt, and sweat, and ear-wax grimed.
\nNo object Strephon\u2019s eye escapes:
\nHere petticoats in frowzy heaps;
\nNor be the handkerchiefs forgot
\nAll varnished o\u2019er with snuff and snot.
\nThe stockings, why should I expose,
\nStained with the marks of stinking toes;
\nOr greasy coifs and pinners reeking,
\nWhich Celia slept at least a week in?
\nA pair of tweezers next he found
\nTo pluck her brows in arches round,
\nOr hairs that sink the forehead low,
\nOr on her chin like bristles grow.<\/p>\n

The virtues we must not let pass,
\nOf Celia\u2019s magnifying glass.
\nWhen frighted Strephon cast his eye on\u2019t
\nIt shewed the visage of a giant.
\nA glass that can to sight disclose
\nThe smallest worm in Celia\u2019s nose,
\nAnd faithfully direct her nail
\nTo squeeze it out from head to tail;
\n(For catch it nicely by the head,
\nIt must come out alive or dead.)<\/p>\n

Why Strephon will you tell the rest?
\nAnd must you needs describe the chest?
\nThat careless wench! no creature warn her
\nTo move it out from yonder corner;
\nBut leave it standing full in sight
\nFor you to exercise your spite.
\nIn vain, the workman shewed his wit
\nWith rings and hinges counterfeit
\nTo make it seem in this disguise
\nA cabinet to vulgar eyes;
\nFor Strephon ventured to look in,
\nResolved to go through thick and thin;
\nHe lifts the lid, there needs no more:
\nHe smelt it all the time before.
\nAs from within Pandora\u2019s box,
\nWhen Epimetheus oped the locks,
\nA sudden universal crew
\nOf humane evils upwards flew,
\nHe still was comforted to find
\nThat Hope at last remained behind;
\nSo Strephon lifting up the lid
\nTo view what in the chest was hid,
\nThe vapours flew from out the vent.
\nBut Strephon cautious never meant
\nThe bottom of the pan to grope
\nAnd foul his hands in search of Hope.
\nO never may such vile machine
\nBe once in Celia\u2019s chamber seen!
\nO may she better learn to keep
\n\u201cThose secrets of the hoary deep\u201d!<\/p>\n

As mutton cutlets, prime of meat,
\nWhich, though with art you salt and beat
\nAs laws of cookery require
\nAnd toast them at the clearest fire,
\nIf from adown the hopeful chops
\nThe fat upon the cinder drops,
\nTo stinking smoke it turns the flame
\nPoisoning the flesh from whence it came;
\nAnd up exhales a greasy stench
\nFor which you curse the careless wench;
\nSo things which must not be exprest,
\nWhen plumpt into the reeking chest,
\nSend up an excremental smell
\nTo taint the parts from whence they fell,
\nThe petticoats and gown perfume,
\nWhich waft a stink round every room.<\/p>\n

Thus finishing his grand survey,
\nDisgusted Strephon stole away
\nRepeating in his amorous fits,
\nOh! Celia, Celia, Celia shits!<\/p>\n

But vengeance, Goddess never sleeping,
\nSoon punished Strephon for his peeping:
\nHis foul Imagination links
\nEach dame he see with all her stinks;
\nAnd, if unsavory odors fly,
\nConceives a lady standing by.
\nAll women his description fits,
\nAnd both ideas jump like wits
\nBy vicious fancy coupled fast,
\nAnd still appearing in contrast.<\/p>\n

I pity wretched Strephon blind
\nTo all the charms of female kind.
\nShould I the Queen of Love refuse
\nBecause she rose from stinking ooze?
\nTo him that looks behind the scene
\nSatira\u2019s but some pocky queen.
\nWhen Celia in her glory shows,
\nIf Strephon would but stop his nose
\n(Who now so impiously blasphemes
\nHer ointments, daubs, and paints and creams,
\nHer washes, slops, and every clout
\nWith which he makes so foul a rout),
\nHe soon would learn to think like me
\nAnd bless his ravished sight to see
\nSuch order from confusion sprung,
\nSuch gaudy tulips raised from dung.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Five hours, (and who can do it less in?) By haughty Celia spent in dressing; The goddess from her chamber issues, Arrayed in lace, brocades, and tissues. Strephon, who found the room was void And Betty otherwise employed, Stole in and took a strict survey Of all the litter as it lay; Whereof, to make … Continue reading The Lady’s Dressing Room ( poem ) … Jonathan Swift<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[12174,43,14785,13256],"class_list":["post-109007","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-general","tag-beauty","tag-clothes","tag-hygiene","tag-jonathan-swift"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t