Category: reviews

video review : The Human Centipede 2 [ Full Sequence ]

video review : The Human Centipede 2 [ Full Sequence ]

The centipede isn’t that bad. It’s the protagonist, a fat guy named Martin, that’s repulsive. Seeing him cough, sneeze and gag is more disgusting than what he does to other people with the exception of him knocking someone’s teeth out with a hammer. At least I assume that’s what happened. I had to look away.

Having to look away is the point as director Tom Six presents a horror sequel that’s even more bloody and violent than part 1. Though there’s no narrative explanation for the sudden transformation to black and white, it also looks better. There’s a darker, more sinister tone here. Lacking is any kid of narrative depth.

There is a story and even some backstory; Martin, who was apparently sexually abused by his father as a child, is a die-hard fan of the first Human Centipede movie and has become obsessed with creating one of his own; but that’s just a flat platform for the gimmicky concept, which is, so far, all this series has going for it.

If there’s a part 3; and judging by the way this one ends, there probably will be; I’d like a centipede of all girls. If I have to watch naked people squirm around on the floor with their mouths on each other’s asses, farting and squirting diarrhea, once again, I’d like for all of them to be girls; preferably attractive ones.

my rating : 2 of 5

2011
 

LloydDuff :

weren’t you more then a bit harsh about Martin? Not everyone hates chubby people

as for the black and white I found it gave out an erasierhead like tone to it

video review : Avatar

video review : Avatar

The war-driven plot may be a racy historical metaphor, but that’s about as far out on an artistic limb James Cameron is willing to go. Everything else about Avatar, his first movie since the great Titanic, is safe and sound, often to the point of being cliché; a fact its surprisingly stodgy dialogue and cartoonish characterization give away right from the beginning.

In a future world where Earth people fly to other places in search of mineral goods, a marine named Jake Sully infiltrates moon Pandora; home of a race of tall blue cat-people with long tails and braided hair. He does so with a team of scientists via the Avatar program, which allows them to live on Pandora as Navi creatures without really being there.

It’s imaginative science fiction and the world of Pandora is a visual wonder. There are strange creatures, big and small, and awe-inspiring landscapes that sort of make you want to visit a place like that in real life. The story; a mythological fairy tale based around eye-rollingly unnecessary themes of religion and romance; never lives up to the hype.

my rating : 3 of 5

2009

video review : Avatar : The Way Of Water
video review : Avatar : Fire And Ash

Dole Mandarin Oranges In Light Syrup

Dole Mandarin Oranges In Light Syrup

This is probably the best-tasting fruit I’ve ever had from a can. I prefer my mandarin oranges canned anyway because there are no annoying seeds, peeling or slicing to get in the way. It’s just juicy tidbits in sugar water or “light syrup”; a sweet delight if there ever were such a thing. Chill it in the freezer, eat each piece one-by-one, then drink the juice to get the full effect.

my rating : 5 of 5

Kix

Kix

It’s a simple name for a simple cereal; crispy corn puffs shaped like little balls. It’s “kid-tested” and “mother-approved”, says the slogan, which neglects to mention whether or not the kids liked them. I’d bet they did. I’m an adult and I do. They’re not particularly sweet compared to most kids cereals, but, in a bowl with cold milk, they taste good enough to keep eating.

my rating : 4 of 5

Polar Strawberry In Light Syrup

Polar Srawberries In Light Syrup

The light syrup is basically sugar water and it does wonders for the taste of strawberries, which is the correct plural for Strawberry. Here their sourness is masked by sweetness. The texture of the juice is not quite as “light” as I’d prefer and strawberries that have been sitting in a jar of water are bound to get mushy, but these, served cold from the fridge, are a nice treat.

my rating : 4 of 5

Multi-Grain Cheerios

Multi-Grain Cheerios

Corn comes together with oats, barley, wheat and rice, also a hint of sugar and syrup for sweetness, to create a Cheerios that tastes significantly better than the (boring) one in the yellow box. It looks like those original Cheerios, which are made of just whole grain oats, are included here too. The addition of their multi-grained cousins with all their shades of tan gives the bowl a look that’s pleasing to the eye as well as the mouth.

my rating : 4 of 5

video review : Cujo

video review : Cujo

Being trapped in a broken-down Pinto for several hours with a rabid dog trying to kill you every time you try to get out is bad. Having a dying kid with you is even worse. That’s the situation Fonna Trenton finds herself in one hot day.

The movie should be mostly that, but it isn’t. The car doesn’t break down, thus the suspense doesn’t begin, until pass the halfway point. Everything before comes across as a prelude involving Donna’s irrelevant marriage troubles.

my rating : 3 of 5

1983

video review : Stay Tuned

video review : Stay Tuned

A TV addict gets sucked into the world of television. It’s an ironic concept with a lot of potential, but putting the protagonist; a plumbing salesman named Roy; and his wife on the set of popular TV shows could cause legal trouble, so it’s all done in parody with a Hellish slant.

As black comedy, it works, at least in theory. The spoofs are consistently funny. This is a movie packed with clever satire. Some of it is downright brilliant. It’s the actual plotting, which gets the couple’s kids involved in trying to save them à la Poltergeist, that could use some revision.

my rating : 3 of 5

1992

audio review : Happy People | U Saved Me ( albums ) … R Kelly

audio review : Happy People | U Saved Me ( albums ) ... R Kelly

R Kelly suddenly has a 2-track mind and sex has little to do with either. It’s about love; romantic and religious; as this double album suggests. Happy People, which comes off the heels of his club hit Step In The Name Of Love, consists of night dance music for “steppers”. U Saved Me is a collection of soulful gospel ballads.

There isn’t really much else, musically nor conceptually, so the songs on each set generally sound alike, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing because they’re so damn good; especially when the singer puts his angel wings on, does his best Stevie Wonder or Marvin Gaye impression and lets the music fly up to the heavens.

my rating : 4 of 5

2004

video review : Encino Man

Encino Man

I don’t get the title. A caveman, thawed back to life by two high school seniors; Dave and Stoney; awakes in California’s Encino, but there’s no real link between him and the city. It’s just the first place he happens to discover after thousands of years in hibernation. Forget the plot. There’s not much to see there. It’s his adaption to the modern world as the weird new “exchange” student from “Estonia” that, along with hippie Stoney’s quirky persona and lin… go, makes the movie, which is always stupid, at least fun to watch.

my rating : 3 of 5

1992

audio review : MA Doom [ Son Of Yvonne ] ( album ) … Masta Ace

MA Doom [ Son Of Yvonne ] ( album ) ... Masta Ace

It’s good to hear Masta Ace; one of my favorite rappers; still rapping. When it comes to having the skills that, no matter how good you are, may not be able to pay the bills, he’s one of the most consistent in the game. I just wish he’d make a proper solo album with no concepts or gimmicks; something he hasn’t really done since his debut; Take a Look Around; which remains his best.

The thing here is that he’s making new songs out of beats from MF Doom’s Special Herbs beat set. This album is also a nostalgic dedication to his mother. But the two concepts do not mesh well. MF Doom sampled a lot of old soul songs, but it’s not like his albums were around when Masta Ace was a kid; played here by a different kid we have to hear talk on far too many skits.

Where you’ll have to focus your attention to enjoy this album is on the verses; Masta Ace rapping to an array of funky/jazzy hip-hop beats, which is almost always a good thing. Best songs include a Saturday night club starter featuring a girl named Milani The Artist. The Outtakes that follow, if they had to be included at all, should’ve been followed by a more appropriate closer song.

A pleasant surprise comes in the form of a verse by Big Daddy Kane, speaking of hip-hop veterans. If Masta Ace isn’t going to do a proper solo album, I want to see these two collab. But for some reason Kane’s verse is followed by a vocal feature from none other than MF Doom, whose sole vocal feature, in the middle of the album where it is, comes across as off-puttingly random.

my rating : 3 of 5

2012

video review : I Think I Love My Wife

I Think I Love My Wife

Nikki is hot and ready. If I were her friend Richard, I’d cheat on My Wife for her. His co-worker George gets it. He’s been cheating for years, slick and discreet, and only needs Viagra to keep it up. Richard though is a buffoon, so when crosses the line, everyone seems to know. The point this romantic comedy, sloppily written/directed by Chris Rock, misses is that having sex with another woman has nothing to do with whether or not you love your wife.

my rating : 3 of 5

2007