Bump Patrol

Bump Patrol

If your skin is the streets and razor bumps are the bad guys, Bump Patrol; an aftershave treatmeant; is the police or at least a squad of reliable security guards. It promises “visible results in 48 hours”. It seems to work even faster than that.

After accepting the constant appearance of razor bumps as a fact of life, I started using it on my face/neck and was wowed by the results, but it’s made for “everywhere you shave”; including vaginas, I imagine. Minor drawbacks include stinging and staining.

my rating : 4 of 5

audio review : Donda ( album ) … Kanye West

audio review : Donda ( album ) ... Kanye West

The Chant prelude sounds stupid; Kanye West should’ve replaced the whole Donda concept with something else because it’s too specific for an album that only mentions his mother in spurts; but it gets better from there. Remember when he said he was going to follow Graduation with A Good Ass Job? Perhaps that should’ve been the title here.

Donda is surprisingly good; not so good that it’s surprising but surprising that it’s good after a multi-album slump. It’s easily his best since My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy thanks mostly to a bunch of songs with gorgeous beats; the best thing about gospel music is the sound of the organ; and catchy choruses. West is also a good rapper.

Some listeners will complain about the set being too long and it is. It might near greatness if it were limited to its best twelve songs. Hurricane, Jail, Moon, No Child Left Behind, Pure Souls and Jesus Lord would all have to be included. No Junya and no unnecessary Part 2 bonus remixes at the end. It would also need a proper album cover.

my rating : 4 of 5

2021

audio review : Remember Me ( song ) … RBX + Sticky Fingaz + Eminem

Eminem may have the best verse; Sticky Fingaz is a close second; but him being on this song sort of goes against the concept of it. Sticky and RBX introduced themselves to the world in 1992. Eminem’s only been famous for just over a year, so his Remember Me quotes seem silly compared to what came before them.

The “can of gas” line is classic though. I also like the “trenchcoats” and “out shooting” bits. Sticky Fingaz offers some funny lines of his own. “I get more pussy than them dyke bitches Total,” he boasts. RBX’s sole standout has him threatening to “hit your ass like the train hit that bitch that got Banned From TV.”

my rating : 4 of 5

2000

audio review : The Marshall Mathers LP ( album ) ... Eminem

audio review : My Rhyme Ain’t Done ( song ) … LL Cool J

One good thing about music, especially lyrical music like rap, is that it allows you to escape from reality. LL Cool J does just that via a series of fanciful story Rhymes that start with God raising Michelangelo from the “dead”, at the request of the pope, in order to make a painting of the rapper’s “head”. By the time he’s in his TV, meeting The Honeymooners, you’re lost in the groove of the beat.

my rating : 4 of 5

1987

audio review : My Rhyme Ain't Done ( song ) ... LL Cool J

video review : Bitch I’m Madonna ( song ) … Madonna ( featuring Nicki Minaj )

video review : Bitch I'm Madonna ( song ) ... Madonna ( featuring Nicki Minaj )

There’s a party going on and I wasn’t invited. The scene; people having crazy fun at what looks like a lavish rooftop hotel suite in or near Los Angeles; is awesome. I especially dig the part where host Madonna prances her way up a red-lit graffiti-laced staircase and tongue-kisses a random girl. It’s nice to see she’s still being a slut in her 50s.

What the video would do better without are the cringey cameos from celebrities who obviously aren’t at the party. Having Beyoncé in your video, lip-syncing to your song, makes for ultimate bragging rights, even for a VIP like Madonna, but it also makes for an awkward edit. The one exception is Nicki Minaj, who at least raps on the song.

my rating : 4 of 5

2015

video review : Miranda Maverick versus Maycee Barber at UFC Fight Night

video review : Miranda Maverick versus Maycee Barber at UFC Fight Night

Daniel Cormier makes it seem like this wasn’t close. His objections after the fight suggest there’s something wrong with the judges, but, while I think Miranda Maverick won it, I would’ve been okay with the decision either way. Her pressure gives her the first round, but she can’t keep it up. By round three, she seems to be nearly exhausted as Maycee Barber puts it on her.

“I definitely had a good fight with her,” Barber says in her interview; Daniel Cormier is all smiles in her face; and I agree, though the ending seems a bit anticlimactic. I’ve been anticipating this bout since UFC 260 and I wanted two more rounds dammit. If it were a five-rounder, perhaps Barber would’ve finished her. Perhaps not. Miranda Maverick is a tough girl.

my rating : 4 of 5

2021

audio review : Babylove ( song ) … Morris Day

This is a party anthem for sugar daddies. The club is packed with “sexy people”, but it’s the young ladies Morris Day is after, “as long as you’re 21”. What he means is 21 years old, no younger and not much older, and who could blame him? The best meat is fresh meat. There are no girls in jail though, so Jerome is posted at the door, checking state IDs and driver’s licenses.

Pedophilic undertones and all, the song is a banger. A louder beat (drums/bass), less cluttered production and more melodic ad-libs; the one at 3:08 is the best part of the song for me; could push it up to classic status, but it’s still the jam as is, mostly because of a set of hooks catchy enough to go fishing. “Calling on the sexy ones,” it goes, “Girls are sure nough fine.”

my rating : 4 of 5

2021

audio review : Jam And Lewis [ Volume One ] ( album ) ... Jimmy Jam And Terry Lewis

video review : Dustin Poirier versus Conor McGregor at UFC 264

video review : Dustin Poirier versus Conor McGregor at UFC 264

Ever since this fight, the third and hopefully final in the Dustin Poirier versus Conor McGregor trilogy, was announced, I thought it was a bad idea. McGregor, who’s “won exactly one fight since Barack Obama was president”, didn’t deserve an immediate rematch with the number one title contender. I also figured it would end like the previous one with McGregor getting finished early.

To his credit, he sort of finishes himself by breaking his own leg or ankle after probably fracturing it during the barrage of outside leg kicks he starts the fight with. Still, though I was actually rooting for the fallen Irishman to win this bout and reclaim his former UFC glory, it’s hilariously ironic to see him being rolled out on a stretcher after he predicted that exact scenario for Poirier.

The most poignant moment happens several minutes before when the Notorious one, in terrible pain and grasping onto what’s left of his pride, yells to the officials to make sure this loss comes with the asterisk of being a “doctor stoppage!” He then goes on, in his post-fight interview with Joe Rogan, to throw angry jabs at Poirier and his “little ho” wife like the villain in a superhero comic.

my rating : 4 of 5

2021

audio review : The Mail Man ( EP ) … E-40

audio review : The Mail Man ( EP ) ... E-40

I don’t know why the intro; a disclaimer in which E-40 lets listeners know the violent “mob music” he makes is solely for entertainment; is Scotch-taped to the beginning of the first song instead of being listed as a track of its own, but that technical blunder is the only major flaw of this six-song set.

Neva Broke, that first song, is a P-Funk-like banger about armed robbery; the point is that all a poor man needs is a “strap” (gun) to make money; while Bring The Yellow Tape, another crime story, deals in premeditated murder. Other highlights include Where The Party At and Captain Save-A-Hoe.

my rating : 4 of 5

1993

audio review : Xxplosive ( song ) … Kurupt + Six-Two ( featuring Nate Dogg + Hittman )

The odd song structure, which starts with a hook never heard again and separates two rap verses by what itself sounds like a Nate Dogg song demo, isn’t as off-putting as it should be. In fact it works, mostly because it all sounds good. The best part, aside from Nate’s splendid vocal melodies, is the beat; a pimped-out funk-guitar loop that sounds like it was made to smoke weed and fuck hoes to.

my rating : 4 of 5

1999

audio review : Chronic 2001 ( album ) ... Dr Dre

video review : Pretty Woman

video review : Pretty Woman

I’d prefer a petite woman. Julia Roberts is too tall, especially in high heel shoes, but I guess her face is Pretty enough for the role. Besides, her character (Vivian) isn’t a beauty model. She’s a hooker and her place of business is California’s Hollywood Boulevard, where she walks up to the Lotus Esprit of a rich businessman named Edward.

A hotel proposition takes the unlikely pair from strangers to friends; sex partners to romantic lovers; in a matter of days. Careful editing keeps the plot going at a believable pace given the circumstances of their relationship, which, with the help of a beautiful piano theme and charming dialogue, stumbles upon genuine allure.

my rating : 4 of 5

1990

Olivia Luccardi’s physical appearance

Olivia Luccardi's physical appearance Olivia Luccardi's physical appearance Olivia Luccardi's physical appearance Olivia Luccardi's physical appearance Olivia Luccardi's physical appearance Olivia Luccardi's physical appearance

Olivia Luccardi is one of those women who can be pretty one minute and ugly the next. It’s mostly to do with whether or not she’s showing her teeth, specifically that gap. Seeing it brings about a mild version of the repulsion you get when an otherwise normal person smiles to reveal they’re missing a tooth in the front.

To be clear, she is cute, if not pretty, most of the time. Look at those turquoise eyes. She looks like a doll. Her one big flaw is that goofy toothy grin. Not that it would stop me from kissing her, having sex with her or dating her. I’d just have to be sure not to make her laugh. It’ll have to be a serious relationship.

my rating : 4 of 5

2021