Great Value Ice Cream [ Celebration Edition ] : Pride

Great Value Ice Cream [ Celebration Edition ] : Pride

I won’t get started on how much I detest what this Ice Cream represents, but the inclusion of white chocolate is a pleasant surprise. It tastes more like vanilla though with a hint of Superman. Why it isn’t rainbow-colored like the carton is beyond me, but that’s all it would need to be enjoyable.

Instead, like the “LGBT” initialism and all its ridiculous extensions, they went too far. Cherries alone would have been tolerable or even acceptable. Perhaps they’re what help give rise to Superman. It’s the “brownies”; what homo put these nasty chocolatey bits in my ice cream; that totally ruin it.

my rating : 2 of 5

audio review : Get Off The Stage ( album ) … Too Short

audio review : Get Off The Stage ( album ) ... Too Short

Sounding more like a collection of song demos than album number seventeen, Get Off The Stage will have you yelling just that. Too Short has never sounded so uninspired and the beats are basic, but the worst parts by far are the lame-ass hooks. Dum Ditty Dum is downright awful.

I like I Like It; it’s the one good song on the album; and I’m glad Short Dogg came out of retirement when he did to drop some more game on us, but, if it’s gotten to the point where he’s putting out shit like this, it’s time to take his own advice and get the fuck Off The Stage for good.

my rating : 2 of 5


audio review : Curtain Call [ The Hits ] ( album ) … Eminem

“Hi” was his formal introduction to the world; “My name is Slim Shady.” Almost seven years later, after becoming the most famous rapper ever, Eminem returns to the stage for a Curtain Call. It’s a compilation of his most popular songs; The Hits; plus a few new ones.

Fack, an odd start, finds him shoving a gerbil in his ass. “This don’t mean I’m gay,” he declares, “I don’t like men.” It’s a silly song that has the rapper, a genius during his Shady LP debut, squirting a wad of babble. That’s the problem with too much of his recent stuff.

His rap skills have steadily declined; a fact that would standout like a thumb sore from holding the mic too long if these songs were ordered chronologically. Then there’s the problem an Eminem Hits album was bound to create; that most of his best songs aren’t hits at all.

Guilty Conscious and Stan; a studio version featuring Elton John singing and playing the piano like he does on the Live one would be epic; represent Eminem at his best, but they’re here amongst a bunch of corny chart-toppers like Without Me and Mockingbird.

my rating : 3 of 5


audio review : Curtain Call 2 ( album ) … Eminem

audio review : Renaissance ( album ) … Beyoncé

audio review : Renaissance ( album ) ... Beyoncé

This would be Beyoncé’s Confessions On A Dance Floor; speaking of overrated music goddesses; if not for the two songs in the middle. Plastic Off The Sofa won’t necessarily put you to sleep; its 1970s-inspired soul semblance is quite likable; but it breaks the flow of what was, up to that point, a dynamic dance album. Virgo’s Groove gets back on track conceptually, but it belongs in a different club than the rest of the set.

Those two songs should’ve been omitted for the sake of sonic cohesion. Their inclusion is the album’s biggest blemish. Beyoncé leaves a lot to be desired in the way of vocal melody when she actually sings; she seems to prefer annoying us with ghetto rap chants; but it’s hard to go wrong over these beats. “Dance all night,” the queen commands before comparing her pussy juice to Honey, and the music encourages you to do just that.

Standout songs include Move, though it doesn’t vibe until the chords drop halfway in, and Alien Superstar, though its catchy Princesque chorus is abandoned at the two-thirds mark. Cuff It is another highlight, but perhaps it should’ve been saved for the Sofa/Virgo EP and the way it blends into the Energy bit makes for an awkward track cut. The point is that, while the album stands as one of Beyoncé’s best, it has its flaws.

my rating : 3 of 5


Pretty Woman

Pretty Woman