Category: reviews with a 3 of 5 rating

audio review : Roland Gift ( album ) … Roland Gift

audio review : Roland Gift ( album ) ... Roland Gift

If you listen to this album; Roland Gift’s solo debut; expecting the aesthetic equivalent of the long-awaited third Fine Young Cannibals project, you’re in for a disappointment. “The voice” is here; it’s a joy to hear that gay falsetto after all these years; but the songs aren’t up to par.

A Girl Like You and Lady DJ evoke vintage FYC; the only thing missing is Gift fully utilizing his signature ad-libs during their peaks; and Looking For A Friend is a melodic highlight, but the set is merely decent on the whole. The worst thing about it is the lazy 1980s-throwback self title.

my rating : 3 of 5

2002

Marie Callender’s Savory Swedish Meatballs Bowl

Marie Callender's Savory Swedish Meatballs Bowl

Marie Callender’s original and seemingly discontinued Swedish Meatballs meal was a favorite of mine. This Bowl version looks the same, but she must’ve changed the recipe or something. The taste is bland in comparison. The Meatballs are (still) good, but the pasta and sour cream sauce are, despite the name, rather unsavory. Perhaps she ran out of seasoning.

my rating : 3 of 5

Beach Cliff Sardines [ In Mustard Sauce ]

Beach Cliff Sardines [ In Mustard Sauce ]

There’s fraud going on at Beach Cliff. Some tins of these Sardines have “sardines” listed as the main ingredient, but others say “sprats”. It’s a distinction that, though misleading, probably won’t make a difference to most people given the similarity in flavor. They’re “smothered” In Mustard Sauce the Cliffsmen promote as “marvelous” as if the taste of mustard or sardines could come anywhere close.

my rating : 3 of 5

audio review : Christmas All Over The World ( EP ) … New Edition

audio review : Christmas All Over The World ( EP ) ... New Edition

The best song here is the main one; Christmas All Over The World; a hymn good enough to be a holiday standard. That’s thanks mostly to the chorus, which is both cute and enchanting. The next best is Happy Holidays To You; the only song without the word Christmas in the title. The others, one of which has New Edition covering The Jackson Five, are nothing to write home about.

my rating : 3 of 5

1985

Arm And Hammer Essentials Baby Body Wash And Shampoo

Arm And Hammer Essentials Baby Body Wash And Shampoo

“Formulated with Arm And Hammer baking soda,” the description reads, “this Body Wash gently nourishes and cleanses your baby.” That may be true; the best thing about it is that it’s also fragrance-free; but it barely lathers, at least on my grown-up ass. That’s a major problem because you have to use about twice the amount you normally would to bathe.

my rating : 3 of 5

video review : Orphan : First Kill

video review : Orphan : First Kill

The First twenty minutes or so, most of which serve as a sort of prelude, suggests this; First Kills would be a more accurate title; will be another bad movie sequel, but it gets better. The plot never reaches the watchability of the original Orphan; this is actually a prequel set in 2007; but it has its moments.

The best parts draw (paint) upon the tension around Esther’s secret as she cons herself into the life of a family living in Darien, Connecticut. She plays the role of their missing daughter/sister, but of course things aren’t always what they appear to be. Cue a sudden and anagnorisis plot twist near the halfway point.

It’s a surprise for sure and initially disappointing in its execution, but at least it’s a new idea in a movie sequel that was playing out a bit too much like its predecessor. It’s inferior on the whole but better than the start leads you to believe. I also like the ending as it sets up the main (Orphan) story quite nicely.

my rating : 3 of 5

2022

Katie Hill’s physical appearance

Katie Hill's physical appearance Katie Hill's physical appearance Katie Hill's physical appearance Katie Hill's physical appearance Katie Hill's physical appearance

I don’t know why I want to fuck Katie Hill. She’s not pretty or even cute, her skin is rough and she has two bulges on the front of her nose, but there’s a thin line between mere beauty flaws and the manifestations of a real woman.

She does wear makeup and seems to have a preference for red lipstick, which is repulsive; I hate lipstick; but perhaps that’s a nod to her not-so-secret sexual (bisexual) inhibitions, which, looks aside, make her all the more milfy.

my rating : 3 of 5

2022

video review : Jackass Number Two

video review : Jackass Number Two

There’s a scene here in which a guy is about to sit on a frozen sculpture molded into the shape of a horse. The goal is to sprinkle water on his testicles so that they’ll stick to the horse as he sits on it. Amidst a few seconds of hesitation, or perhaps a smidgen of common sense starting to emerge, his friend says, “Don’t think about; just do it.”

That’s the philosophy as they up the ante by humiliating and endangering themselves even more than they did in the first Movie. From bullfighting to leeching their eyeballs to drinking animal sperm to eating shit, little is left to the imagination as Johnny Knoxville and his gang further blur the line between comedy and disgust.

It’s extreme shock value; still the only interesting thing they have to offer. That’s fine when it’s funny. When it isn’t, and it usually isn’t, you’re left with the realization that you’re watching a crew of clowns having more fun behind the screen than you are watching them. At that point, you have to ask yourself who the Jackass really is.

my rating : 3 of 5

2006

video review : Jackass 3D
video review : Jackass Forever

video review : Jackass [ The Movie ]

video review : Jackass [ The Movie ]

There has to be something said about grown men reckless enough to humiliate and endanger themselves, literally risking permanent injury if not death, for the sake of a good laugh. Slapstick comedy is the rule for MTV’s Jackass. This Movie version, stripped of television censorship and the controversy that comes with testing the boundaries of it, takes it to the extreme.

From carting thru flying rocks to sticking toy cars up their rectums, you wonder what kind of testosterone, adrenaline or peer pressure it takes to motivate these dim-witted stuntmen. They’re a cross between Super Dave Osborne and The Three Stooges, but, with no wit or narrative cohesion to hold your interest, shock is the only value a Movie like this has to offer.

my rating : 3 of 5

2002

video review : Jackass Number Two
video review : Jackass 3D
video review : Jackass Forever

video review : The Hunt

video review : The Hunt

The climax reminds me of the fight sequence at Vernita’s house in Kill Bill, but lack of innovative isn’t the problem here. It’s the silliness of the plot. The Hunt, which has a handful of people engaged in a sort of political civil war, goes for comedy; my least favorite movie genre; instead of taking itself seriously.

There’s plenty of violence and gore, and those are the most entertaining parts, but it’s mostly cartoonish; an eyeball stuck on the heel of a shoe. Neither is there anything particularly clever about the overarching satire, which, for what it’s worth, aims at both (conservative) “deplorables” and (liberal) “cucks”.

my rating : 3 of 5

2020

Pringles Scorchin Hot Ones : Los Calientes Verde

Pringles Scorchin Hot Ones : Los Calientes Verde

These Pringles, based on Los Calientes Hot Sauce, are all about the heat. The Scorchin brand logo even has a burning thermometer in place of the “i”. They don’t seem that hot when you first start eating them, but eventually your mouth; tongue and even lips; are indeed set ablaze.

They taste pretty good otherwise. Why anyone would want to experience pain while eating, or doing anything else for that matter, has always been beyond me. When I eat food promoted as Hot, it’s despite the pain, not because of it, and these chips (Crisps) are no exception.

my rating : 3 of 5

audio review : Curtain Call [ The Hits ] ( album ) … Eminem

“Hi” was his formal introduction to the world; “My name is Slim Shady.” Almost seven years later, after becoming the most famous rapper ever, Eminem returns to the stage for a Curtain Call. It’s a compilation of his most popular songs; The Hits; plus a few new ones.

Fack, an odd start, finds him shoving a gerbil in his ass. “This don’t mean I’m gay,” he declares, “I don’t like men.” It’s a silly song that has the rapper, a genius during his Shady LP debut, squirting a wad of babble. That’s the problem with too much of his recent stuff.

His rap skills have steadily declined; a fact that would standout like a thumb sore from holding the mic too long if these songs were ordered chronologically. Then there’s the problem an Eminem Hits album was bound to create; that most of his best songs aren’t hits at all.

Guilty Conscious and Stan; a studio version featuring Elton John singing and playing the piano like he does on the Live one would be epic; represent Eminem at his best, but they’re here amongst a bunch of corny chart-toppers like Without Me and Mockingbird.

my rating : 3 of 5

2005

audio review : Curtain Call 2 ( album ) … Eminem