video review : Antlers

video review : Antlers

This is a horror flick based not on killer deer but the wendigo; a mythological creature that “devours mankind”. It’s a decent concept, but the plot, which reminds me of Stephen King’s Gray Matter, is riddled with cinematic clichés and implausibilities. It seems even the most horrendous villains have a weakness for protagonists.

The boy the man turned wendigo fathers is fine. It’s his nosey school teacher; the wendigo is less creepy; I was hoping he’d use as beast feed. Instead, while her cop brother, attacked and injured, lies conveniently out of commission, she ends up playing a heroine of sorts. The movie is about as silly as the folklore it encompasses.

my rating : 2 of 5

2021

video review : Short Circuit

video review : Short Circuit

Number 5 is alive? No, but he thinks he is. He’s a military robot created at Nova Laboratories. It’s when he gets struck by a magical lightning bolt and inadvertently escapes to the home of a girl named Stephanie that the plots kicks into gear.

A potentially interesting concept is ruined by the movie’s chosen genre. Short Circuit would be better as serious science fiction. Instead it presents itself as mostly comedy; the star robot is constantly making jokes; except it’s mostly corny.

my rating : 2 of 5

1986

video review : Short Circuit 2

video review : Halloween Kills

video review : Halloween Kills

Jamie Lee Curtis breaks her tradition of dressing up as Laurie Strode every ten years for Halloween Kills; a sequel to Halloween, which itself is a sequel of the original. The title is fitting; the killings have always been the best parts; but the night should’ve ended long ago.

This movie is, like the series itself, a bloody mess. It starts out decent enough; the 1978 flashback bit conjures a sense of nostalgia that suggests it would’ve been better as a pseudo-remake; but the quality drops dead once the stupid vigilante concept comes into play.

my rating : 2 of 5

2021

video review : Knowing

video review : Knowing

This movie starts off interestingly enough and stays that way for a while, but soon the plot heads Hellward. There are some awesome disaster scenes scattered about, all of which happen to include people running around on fire or being smashed to death by man-made vehicles gone awry, but they don’t even begin to make-up for all the numerical nonsense happening elsewhere in this two-hour yawner.

Part of the problem isn’t that it tries to cover several sci-fi subgenres at once, but that it does so clumsily, going from paranormal thriller to disaster flick to religious allegory only when it’s convenient to the plot. Marco Beltrami’s over-the-top score isn’t appreciated until the end, during a muted scene in which the jovial orchestration doesn’t at all fit with what’s happening on screen but sounds terrific nonetheless.

my rating : 2 of 5

2009

Gerber Prune

Gerber Prune

This Prune, which is actually a prune purée, looks like chocolate pudding. Unfortunately for the poor babies it’s created and marketed for, it doesn’t taste like it. It tastes, appropriately enough, like liquid raisins, which isn’t downright disgusting; I’m reluctantly able to finish the pack if only for the health benefits it provides; but close enough.

my rating : 2 of 5

Lysol Multi-Purpose Cleaner With Hydrogen Peroxide : Citrus Sparkle Zest

Lysol Multi-Purpose Cleaner With Hydrogen Peroxide : Citrus Sparkle Zest

This Multi-Purpose Cleaner from Lysol gives a “powerful cleaning” as advertised, probably thanks to the Hydrogen Peroxide, but the scent, which the company has the gall to call Citrus Sparkle Zest, is repugnant. It smells like somebody tried to drink lemon juice mixed with sour milk, vomited, then tried to clean it up with Lysol.

my rating : 2 of 5

video review : Dawn Of The Dead

video review : Dawn Of The Dead

Though infested with killer zombies, nothing in this movie; a remake of George Romero’s Night sequel; is as Dead as the dialogue and plot, both of which lurk in dark contrast to an interesting setup. Instead of a house, Dawn traps its unfortunates; a group of wise-cracking dimwits who do things only characters in horror movies seem to do, like stand too close to running chainsaws; in a Milwaukee shopping mall.

my rating : 2 of 5

2004

video review : Jake Paul versus Ben Askren at Triller Fight Club

video review : Jake Paul versus Ben Askren at Triller Fight Club

Even ignoring all the annoying theatrics; the dancing robot, the epilepsy lights, the gay commentary; this fight leaves much to be desired. Jake Paul lands a right hook near the middle of the very first round, Ben Askren falls down but stands back up, albeit a little wobbly, and the referee stops the fight.

It’s an unwarranted stoppage from what I can see; Askren looks poised and ready to continue by the time the ref calls it; but nonetheless another ignominious loss on his once immaculate fighting record. Perhaps the reported half-million he’s earning makes up for it. Snoop Dogg apparently bet on Jake.

my rating : 2 of 5

2021

audio review : Generation Efx ( album ) … Das Efx

audio review : Generation Efx ( album ) ... Das Efx

The Intro; a radio station bit featuring a sample of Mic Checka; might suggest Das Efx is stuck in the past, but I wish they were. Their first album at least made you Klap Ya Handz in applause to the verses. This one, easily their worst, is sewer-shitty in spots; namely during the hooks, too many of which consist of banal (wack) rap chants.

my rating : 2 of 5

1998

video review : Anderson Silva versus Demian Maia at UFC 112

video review : Anderson Silva versus Demian Maia at UFC 112

Demian Maia is simply outclassed here. His one technical advantage would be his jiu-jitsu on the ground, but, as much as he tries, he can’t manage to get Anderson Silva down. That should mean another quick KO for the champion and the fight looks like it’s going that way for the first couple of rounds as Silva entertains the crowd with his “confidence-crushing clowning”, but he stops mid-bout.

With that, the fourth round becomes a dance-off as the two fighters move around The Octagon basically doing a lot of nothing. Round 5 isn’t much better, though a one-eyed Maia does commit to an early flurry of strikes near the beginning. The crowd, the commentators, the ref and even Silva himself seem to blame Silva for the weird and lackluster bout, but I’d also put some of that blame on his opponent.

my rating : 2 of 5

2010

video review : Dracula Versus Frankenstein

video review : Dracula Versus Frankenstein

The title is quite misleading. Dracula (Nosferatu) and Frankenstein, referred to here as “Farancksalan’s monster”, never actually face off. It’s The Werewolf, a good guy underneath the fur, who takes on his fellow horror legends, including The Living Mummy, all of whom are brought to life via humanoid space aliens. It’s a ridiculous concept and the movie itself isn’t much better. The best part is the ending showdown.

my rating : 2 of 5

1970

audio review : OG Perspective ( album ) … JT Money

audio review : OG Perspective ( album ) ... JT Money

JT Money’s appeal as a member of Poison Clan, what made him entertaining, was his blatant misogyny. Now that he’s older and more mature, he’s less interesting. He says he still Hate Hoes, but you wouldn’t know it listening to this album, which he suggests will be his final. There are even a couple of earnest “love” songs.

The main problem with OG Perspective though is that it’s simply lacking; not just the quality of the verses but also the hooks. Even the beats, typically the redeeming aspect of a rap album, are weak. The one notable song is How Ya Move Out Here, on which he gives good advice about not bringing too much attention to yourself.

my rating : 2 of 5

2020