Category: reviews

video review : Host

video review : Host

This movie, which, at less than an hour long, hardly qualifies as such, is about friends getting together via Zoom during the Covid-19 “lockdown” to participate in a séance. They’re Hosted by a girl named Haley. It’s her friend who connects them to the “spirit realm”.

After a few jokes, it becomes a horror movie; one inspired by Rec; it’s actually based on a real-life internet prank inspired by Rec; presented in the style of Unfriended with all the silly scare tactics of the Paranormal Activity series. I jumped once. Cute girls though.

my rating : 1 of 5

2020

video review : Swallow

video review : Swallow

You’d think a flick about a cute girl who likes to Swallow would be a thrill. Hunter, a New York housewife with a compulsive disorder that makes her eat inedible objects like marbles and needles, brings about a few moments of suspense near the end, but most everything before it is a case study in oddball storytelling.

It’s not just crazy Hunter. Other people also say and do weird things, which give their world a Tim Burton kind of feel. An angry outburst from her otherwise amiable husband, for example, seems totally out of character. The movie is ultimately okay enough, but if there’s a point or underlining message, it’s lost on me.

my rating : 3 of 5

2019

audio review : Keep It Jungle ( album ) … Jungle Brothers

audio review : Keep It Jungle ( album ) ... Jungle Brothers

As far as beats and rap styles go, this could’ve been the third Jungle Brothers album. That is to say it sounds like it was made in 1993, which is actually a good thing. As welcomed as new J Beez songs are after all these years, it would’ve been disappointing hearing them trying to follow trends. There’s a song here entitled Smart Phones that suggests how much of a disaster that probably would’ve been. Not that Keep It Jungle isn’t a little disappointing as is.

The problem, really the only problem, with the album is what goes on during the breaks. The Brothers have never been known for amazing hooks, but the ones offered here, which consist of old school chants that sound borderline obnoxious; “your songs ain’t catchy,” Mike G has the gall to tell a rapper at one point; leave much to be desired. The one exception, Broken Records, on which a woman sings a dainty little refrain, is easily the album’s best song.

my rating : 3 of 5

2020

audio review : Shutdafukup ( mixtape ) … Juicy J

audio review : Shutdafuckup ( mixtape ) ... Juicy J

The title may as well be directed at Juicy J. His vocals provide the scenery; imagine a Rover full of weed-smoking gun-toting Niggaz pulling up to a Memphis nightclub full of big butt hoes; but what we really want to hear is the music.

That comes in the form of an assortment of go-hard (bass-heavy) trap beats produced mostly by Suicideboys. Those thumpers are the best part of the set; a thoroughly decent DatPiff mixtape that could easily fit the criteria of an actual album.

my rating : 3 of 5

2018

McDonald’s Big Breakfast With Hotcakes

McDonald's Big Breakfast With Hotcakes

Aside from their legendary Filet-O-Fish, the best-tasting food you can get from McDonald’s is their Hotcakes with butter and syrup. The most delicious eating method is to use the syrup sparingly by not pouring it onto the cakes but dipping the cakes into it; the sweetness can become overbearing otherwise; after covering them in the whipped butter.

This Big Breakfast, which for me is a normal-sized breakfast, adds not only a sausage patty; the best side; but scrambled eggs, hash browns and a biscuit. That last bit comes across as a random add-on; pancakes are already a kind of bread; and hash browns aren’t a part of my ideal breakfast, but they help get you full, which is the ultimate goal here.

my rating : 4 of 5

video review : The Lodge

video review : The Lodge

The genre is Christian horror, but those scenes, which revolve around a potential stepmother and ex-cultist named Grace, are the worst parts. The Lodge, the lazy title of which comes from the story’s main setting, is best during its build-up; a man coaxes his kids into spending Christmas with his “psychopath” fiancée months after the suicide of their mom; before scary music and cliché dream sequences come into play.

my rating : 3 of 5

2019

audio review : U Got The Look ( song ) … Prince ( featuring Sheena Easton )

The concept here is a little confusing. The U in the title refers to “a pretty girl” Prince is “taken aback” by, but Sheena Easton sings the chorus and it’s hard to determine whether she’s supposed to be the girl or an artistic extension of Prince’s thoughts about the girl. The third verse, a repeat of the first, suggests the former, but who knows.

That hook is the best part of the song, especially the first four bars, though it’s the in-your-face drumbeat and sparse guitar riffs that keep it rocking. The setting seems to be some kind of dance club with “ugly lights”, but it’s the bed that will be rocking if heterosexual allure gets its way. “If your love is good,” one line goes, “let’s get to ramming”.

my rating : 4 of 5

1987

Ivanka Trump’s physical appearance

Ivanka Trump's physical appearance Ivanka Trump's physical appearance Ivanka Trump's physical appearance Ivanka Trump's physical appearance Ivanka Trump's physical appearance Ivanka Trump's physical appearance

Ivanka Trump is a businesswoman who’s rarely seen in public without being dressed up in fancy clothes and makeup, so it’s hard to get an idea of how she really looks. Her image is sexy, seductive even, but her face; the most important part; is only almost pretty.

Her nose, which seems to point downward, is a bit of a distraction, but it’s perhaps her only notable flaw. Her height is more forgivable. I prefer short women, but, at 5 feet and 11 inches, she has some nice long fashion model alumna legs. She also has excellent teeth.

my rating : 3 of 5

2020

video review : Israel Adesanya versus Paulo Costa at UFC 253

video review : Israel Adesanya versus Paulo Costa at UFC 253

It seems Israel Adesanya is fulfilling his own prophecy by becoming one of the greatest UFC champions of all time. He has to acquire a lot more wins to reach the level of Anderson Silva and Jon Jones; two fighters his style comes across as a combination of, also my two favorite fighters; but he’s on his way.

“I wanna make him my bitch,” The Last Stylebender said of Paulo Costa in a promo interview and that’s exactly what he does. He bruises his body with vicious leg kicks, bruises his ego with a second round knockout and simulates prison rape via dry humps right there in the center of The Octagon.

my rating : 4 of 5

2020

video review : Dominick Reyes versus Jan Błachowicz at UFC 253

video review : Dominick Reyes versus Jan Błachowicz at UFC 253

It doesn’t really make sense that Jan Błachowicz calls out Jon Jones after this fight, which is a title bout only because Jones decided to vacate the Light Heavyweight belt to compete in the Heavyweight division, but his victory is damn impressive. He’s able to do to Dominick Reyes what the former champion couldn’t, knocking him down and out in just the second round. “Polish power” indeed.

my rating : 4 of 5

2020

audio review : Something About The Way You Look Tonight ( song ) … Elton John

The best part of this song, which is conceptually reminiscent of Chris De Burgh’s Lady In Red; though, knowing Elton John, he’s probably singing about some dude; comes at the end. “The way you look tonight,” he says with passion, stretching the word “look” out to three seconds. I love that part.

my rating : 4 of 5

1997

video review : Cuties

video review : Cuties

Cuties are a dance group comprised of eleven-year-old girls. The movie focuses on a member named Amy as she deals with the juxtaposition of her school and home life. Her mother raises her and her little brother to conform to the traditions of their African religion. Her mischievous schoolmates; the other four Cuties; are her escape.

The plot revolves (gyrates) around a dance contest the girls want to compete in, but there’s little suspense in the buildup. The main character is mostly used as a sexual case study. Watch as she goes on her first period and shares her first pussy pic; interesting tidbits in a coming-of-age story that’s barely adequate as a whole.

my rating : 3 of 5

2020