Category: reviews with a 3 of 5 rating

video review : Swallow

video review : Swallow

You’d think a flick about a cute girl who likes to Swallow would be a thrill. Hunter, a New York housewife with a compulsive disorder that makes her eat inedible objects like marbles and needles, brings about a few moments of suspense near the end, but most everything before it is a case study in oddball storytelling.

It’s not just crazy Hunter. Other people also say and do weird things, which give their world a Tim Burton kind of feel. An angry outburst from her otherwise amiable husband, for example, seems totally out of character. The movie is ultimately okay enough, but if there’s a point or underlining message, it’s lost on me.

my rating : 3 of 5

2019

audio review : Keep It Jungle ( album ) … Jungle Brothers

audio review : Keep It Jungle ( album ) ... Jungle Brothers

As far as beats and rap styles go, this could’ve been the third Jungle Brothers album. That is to say it sounds like it was made in 1993, which is actually a good thing. As welcomed as new J Beez songs are after all these years, it would’ve been disappointing hearing them trying to follow trends. There’s a song here entitled Smart Phones that suggests how much of a disaster that probably would’ve been. Not that Keep It Jungle isn’t a little disappointing as is.

The problem, really the only problem, with the album is what goes on during the breaks. The Brothers have never been known for amazing hooks, but the ones offered here, which consist of old school chants that sound borderline obnoxious; “your songs ain’t catchy,” Mike G has the gall to tell a rapper at one point; leave much to be desired. The one exception, Broken Records, on which a woman sings a dainty little refrain, is easily the album’s best song.

my rating : 3 of 5

2020

audio review : Shutdafukup ( mixtape ) … Juicy J

audio review : Shutdafuckup ( mixtape ) ... Juicy J

The title may as well be directed at Juicy J. His vocals provide the scenery; imagine a Rover full of weed-smoking gun-toting Niggaz pulling up to a Memphis nightclub full of big butt hoes; but what we really want to hear is the music.

That comes in the form of an assortment of go-hard (bass-heavy) trap beats produced mostly by Suicideboys. Those thumpers are the best part of the set; a thoroughly decent DatPiff mixtape that could easily fit the criteria of an actual album.

my rating : 3 of 5

2018

video review : The Lodge

video review : The Lodge

The genre is Christian horror, but those scenes, which revolve around a potential stepmother and ex-cultist named Grace, are the worst parts. The Lodge, the lazy title of which comes from the story’s main setting, is best during its build-up; a man coaxes his kids into spending Christmas with his “psychopath” fiancée months after the suicide of their mom; before scary music and cliché dream sequences come into play.

my rating : 3 of 5

2019

Ivanka Trump’s physical appearance

Ivanka Trump's physical appearance Ivanka Trump's physical appearance Ivanka Trump's physical appearance Ivanka Trump's physical appearance Ivanka Trump's physical appearance Ivanka Trump's physical appearance

Ivanka Trump is a businesswoman who’s rarely seen in public without being dressed up in fancy clothes and makeup, so it’s hard to get an idea of how she really looks. Her image is sexy, seductive even, but her face; the most important part; is only almost pretty.

Her nose, which seems to point downward, is a bit of a distraction, but it’s perhaps her only notable flaw. Her height is more forgivable. I prefer short women, but, at 5 feet and 11 inches, she has some nice long fashion model alumna legs. She also has excellent teeth.

my rating : 3 of 5

2020

video review : Cuties

video review : Cuties

Cuties are a dance group comprised of eleven-year-old girls. The movie focuses on a member named Amy as she deals with the juxtaposition of her school and home life. Her mother raises her and her little brother to conform to the traditions of their African religion. Her mischievous schoolmates; the other four Cuties; are her escape.

The plot revolves (gyrates) around a dance contest the girls want to compete in, but there’s little suspense in the buildup. The main character is mostly used as a sexual case study. Watch as she goes on her first period and shares her first pussy pic; interesting tidbits in a coming-of-age story that’s barely adequate as a whole.

my rating : 3 of 5

2020

Still Blowin ( mixtape ) … Too Short

Still Blowin ( mixtape ) ... Too Short

This is only a mixtape because Too Short says so. Sloppy production and spotty mastering aside, it sounds more like an official album to me. Either way it’s better than his previous, Get Off The Stage, which isn’t saying much.

He’s Still Blowin and still pimping, so he’s best when checking his Hoes. Listen and laugh at him telling a “bitch” to rub his back, suck his dick and cook his breakfast. Other highlights include All For Love and International Player.

my rating : 3 of 5

2010

audio review : Spell My Name ( album ) … Toni Braxton

audio review : Spell My Name ( album ) ... Toni Braxton

It seems ever since her Divorce; ex Babyface actually provides a bonus song for this album; Toni Braxton has been a horny cougar. Her last album was called Sex And Cigarettes. The title song on this one has her asking a “young’un” if he “Wanna play”. It’s a fuck game called Spell My Name. The pedophilic undertones would be okay with me in any case; music is art; but the amount of eyebrows that would raise if Braxton was a male is an embodiment of sexist double standards.

The most obvious blunder here is that there are two versions of Do It. The original, released a few months ago, is a soothing breakup ballad. It’s also one of her best songs. The new one, which should’ve been replaced with the Babyface (Nothin) bonus, is an inferior remix of sorts featuring the annoying vocals of Missy Elliott. Fallin, about falling in love; every song on the album is enveloped in romance; is groovy though. OVERr, another breakup ballad, is another standout.

my rating : 3 of 5

2020

video review : All In The Family : Archie And The KKK

video review : All In The Family : Archie And The KKK

“We’re not gonna be driven out of our house screaming in terror,” Michael Stivic insists in response to a threat from the Ku Klux Klan. “What are we gonna do,” his wife asks in a state of panic. “We’re gonna leave quietly,” he says. It’s the funniest bit of the episode; a two-parter that doesn’t start to get good until the second half.

The drama begins when Archie inadvertently becomes a KKK member after he’s overheard at the bar condemning the social unrest happening; black people rioting and such; in the neighborhood. He may be racist but regrets being duped into joining, especially when he catches wind of their plan to burn a cross in front of his family’s house.

my rating : 3 of 5

1977

video review : Sean O’Malley versus Marlon Vera at UFC 252

video review : Sean O'Malley versus Marlon Vera at UFC 252

Another hype train derailed? Perhaps, but not so fast. Sean O’Malley seems on his way to victory here until his right leg fails him, which causes him to fall and lose. Whether that’s because of a kick from Marlon Vera or a fluke injury is the question. The answer will probably determine how much of “the it factor” he (O’Malley) retains going into his next bout.

my rating : 3 of 5

2020

audio review : Bruce Wayne [ Gothom City 1987 ] ( album ) … Esham

audio review : Bruce Wayne [ Gothom City 1987 ] ( album ) ... Esham

I don’t know what the 1987 bit is about; he says that’s when he “came up”; but Gothom City is Detroit, which makes Esham Bruce Wayne. Batman is, of course, a member of The Justice League and the rapper embraces a life of crime. Perhaps the moniker has to do with the fact that they’re both millionaires with a thing for sexy women.

“We can fuck like animals, bitch, I’m not soft,” he tells one before vowing to “take the dick out the pussy and jack the fuck off… all over your body.” How’s that for romance? When he’s not chasing females, or fading “that little pussy like Telly Savalas”, he’s riding down 7 Mile Road in his Volvo 850 with a heavy stash of cash, drugs and guns.

There are almost enough good songs here to make a short album; You Betta Ask Somebody, a fun summer anthem based on Rock With You by Michael Jackson, is easily the best of the bunch; but Esham revels in excess, so he gives us another album with too many songs on it. There are some demos near the end he didn’t even bother to title.

my rating : 3 of 5

1997

audio review : Such Pretty Forks In The Road ( album ) … Alanis Morissette

audio review : Such Pretty Forks In The Road ( album ) ... Alanis Morissette

Alanis Morissette has long lost the quirky charm she exuded when she first transitioned from just another Canadian singer to a Jagged Little Pill rammed down the throat of the pop music world. That album, one of the biggest-selling ever, was 25 years ago. She’s had plenty of time to mature; she started as a teenager; now she’s in her mid-40s; and these new songs reflect as much.

“Take me back in time,” she demands on Sandbox Love before engaging in post-traumatic sex that’s “awkward as fuck”. It’s lyrically and sonically about as close to the artistic edge as she gets here. Most of the other songs stay near the middle of The Road. The album ultimately comes across as sad and desolate even when she’s Smiling; a “crash” survivor that’s too damaged to feel Pretty.

my rating : 3 of 5

2020