video review : Host

video review : Host

This movie, which, at less than an hour long, hardly qualifies as such, is about friends getting together via Zoom during the Covid-19 “lockdown” to participate in a séance. They’re Hosted by a girl named Haley. It’s her friend who connects them to the “spirit realm”.

After a few jokes, it becomes a horror movie; one inspired by Rec; it’s actually based on a real-life internet prank inspired by Rec; presented in the style of Unfriended with all the silly scare tactics of the Paranormal Activity series. I jumped once. Cute girls though.

my rating : 1 of 5

2020

That Feeling You Can Only Say What It Is In French ( story ) … Stephen King

This story, about a woman experiencing déjà vu on a second honeymoon trip to Captiva Island, is one of Stephen King’s worst. It’s a lot of biographical rambling, mostly about the woman’s mundane marriage, without any narrative payoff.

my rating : 1 of 5

1998

That Feeling You Can Only Say What It Is In French ( story ) ... Stephen King

video review : When A Stranger Calls

video review : When A Stranger Calls

For the first twenty minutes, When A Stranger Calls a babysitter named Jill and threatens to cover himself in her blood, it seems this is going to be a decent horror flick. What it suddenly turns into, after a seven-year time leap, is a half-ass crime thriller involving a different woman. Jill eventually comes back into the picture as an adult with kids of her own, but by then it’s way too late to save this mess of a movie.

my rating : 1 of 5

1979

audio review : On I Go ( song ) … Fiona Apple

I don’t know what Fiona Apple’s Going for here, but she needs to head back and try again. This song; I use that term loosely; is abominable. She repeats the same incoherent vocals over and over again, which might not be so bad if they weren’t off-beat.

“On I go, not toward or away,” she says to what sounds like people banging on pots and pans. It’s probably the worst song she’s ever made; certainly the worst she’s put on an album. It sounds like something that came out while she was on the toilet.

my rating : 1 of 5

2020

audio review : Fetch The Bolt Cutters ( album ) ... Fiona Apple

video review : August Underground

video review : August Underground

The one thing this fictional snuff film has going for it is that its director, Fred Vogel, is a skilled makeup artist. When a girl is kidnapped, beaten, tortured and killed in a basement, covered in blood and feces with her left nipple sliced off, it looks real.

What the movie needs is a better plot. It’s more a presentation of random scenes, which makes sense; it’s supposed to be amateur video shot by psychos; but offers nothing even perverted butt-sniffers like me would want to watch for an hour.

my rating : 1 of 5

2001

video review : A Nightmare On Elm Street 5 [ The Dream Child ]

video review : A Nightmare On Elm Street 5 [ The Dream Child ]

“Nine, ten, Freddy’s back again,” the jump rope song goes and now he wants to continue his deadly deed thru Alice’s seed. There’s a clever scene involving a comic book, but everything else about this movie is shit; the kind of shit that stinks-up the whole house when the diaper comes off.

my rating : 1 of 5

1989

video review : A Nightmare On Elm Street 4 [ The Dream Master ]

video review : A Nightmare On Elm Street 4 [ The Dream Master ]

If you thought the Nightmare series couldn’t get any worse after that last Warriors stunt, you’re in for a surprise. Part 4 is about as bad as it gets, taking the series into sitcom self-parody status. Listen to the one-liners Krueger cracks before killings. This movie is a joke, a bad one.

my rating : 1 of 5

1988

video review : Cabin Fever

video review : Cabin Fever

This is about friends who rent a cabin to party, drink and have sex. It’s in the middle of nowhere, but people begin to bother them the first night, including a man infected with some kind of flesh-eating disease.

The plot spreads out from there, but goes nowhere interesting. That’s thanks mostly to its deadpan storytelling and characterization, which, by the end of the movie, has the absurdity thermostat in the red zone.

my rating : 1 of 5

2002

video review : American Wedding

video review : American Wedding

This third and supposedly final serving of American Pie only proves the franchise has descended into a mushy plate of shit. It begins with Jim proposing to Michelle before building to the Wedding itself via a mix of boring dialogue, sloppy editing and bad acting.

Stifler, arguably the most memorable character of the series, holds that last category almost alone. He, like the movie itself, becomes a cliché of himself. Stifler is supposed to be obnoxious and annoying but in a funny way. Here he’s just obnoxious and annoying.

my rating : 1 of 5

2003

video review : Petey Wheatstraw [ The Devil’s Son-In-Law ]

video review : Petey Wheatstraw [ The Devil's Son-In-Law ]

This is a fireball of bad acting, brainless dialogue and inane plotting with a heap of idiotic facial expressions and corny soul music thrown in for good measure. What’s entertaining is Rudy Ray Moore when he’s doing what he does best, but even his signature shit-talking gets stale as hell after a while.

my rating : 1 of 5

1977

video review : Spice World [ The Spice Girls Movie ]

video review : Spice World [ The Spice Girls Movie ]

I like their music, but neither it nor their looks; Scary is the most savory; can save this Spice Girls movie from the pits of blandness. It’s like a 90-minute Girl Power promo in which the bunch, literally playing caricatures of themselves, babble about nothing in a language only deep England can fully understand.

my rating : 1 of 5

1997

video review : The Jacket

video review : The Jacket

There’s a scene in this movie in which one character says to another, “You don’t understand”. That second character responds, “Try and help me understand.” “I don’t understand,” a third character says about ten minutes or fifteen years later. Yeah, it’s a confusing movie.

It’s about a former US soldier stricken with amnesia after receiving a head wound in The Gulf War. He’s charged with murder a year later after hitching a ride with a guy who kills a cop and sent to a mental institution where he becomes a lab rat for a time traveler.

The plot is as stupid as it seems. Despite its sleek visual style; the morgue drawer inspires some cool flashback scenes; the story goes nowhere interesting or entertaining fast, even when it’s going nearly two decades into the future and back within the blink of an eye.

my rating : 1 of 5

2005