Gimme Grab And Go Roasted Seaweed Snacks : Teriyaki

Gimme Grab And Go Roasted Seaweed Snacks : Teriyaki

You’d think they’d somehow found a way to make Seaweed edible when you see it packaged and promoted as Snacks, but no. These, despite being “roasted to light crispy perfection”, are as nasty as you’d otherwise expect. Teriyaki my ass. The taste is more akin to shit; thin sheets of freeze-dried feces; seasoned with powders and sugars.

my rating : 1 of 5

audio review : Seven Psalms ( album ) … Paul Simon

audio review : Seven Psalms ( album ) ... Paul Simon

“Tears and flowers dry over time,” Paul ponders, “Memory leaves us; melody and rhyme.” He’s still Rhymin Simon, but his knack for melody left him a long time ago. It was 2000 to be precise when, after making his best albums in the 1990s, his inevitable decline began. I remember listening to You’re The One and being Surprised at how unremarkable his music had become.

These Seven Psalms, given his old age and the amount of time between projects, may be the final batch. The morbid concept certainly seems to suggest so. They’re Hebrew Bible songs about God and death; a thematic continuation of his previous (Stranger) album, which ended with the Insomniac’s Lullaby. It’ll be a sad day when Paul Simon dies, but he seems to be prepared.

It’s nonetheless his worst album if it can be considered as such. It’s described as a “seven-movement composition”; The Lord is resurrected in intervals as if the chorus to a very long song; “intended to be listened to as one continuous piece”. If the purpose were to put you to sleep, it would be a success. Paul Simon, singing over an acoustic guitar, has never sounded more lifeless.

my rating : 1 of 5

2023

video review : Smile

video review : Smile

This movie, about a psychiatrist being haunted by a ghost-like entity, won’t invoke many Smiles. Wasting your time watching rubbish is generally nothing to be happy about. Token casting and bad acting aside, it’s a horror flick of one of the worst kinds; in which the hallucinations of a potentially crazy protagonist are used as an excuse for a slew of hokey jump scares.

my rating : 1 of 5

2022

video review : I’m Thinking Of Ending Things

video review : I'm Thinking Of Ending Things

You’ll do yourself a favor turning this movie off before the actual Ending; one of the worst I’ve ever seen. The plot, which starts normal enough with a girl on her way to meet her boyfriend’s parents for the first time, is coated in pretentious ambiguity from the start, but it gets worse the longer it goes. The final several minutes are jarringly off-putting; random and nonsensical; as if director Charlie Kaufman just abandoned the script and said “Fuck it.”

my rating : 1 of 5

2020

video review : CHUD

video review : CHUD

The one payoff to sitting thru this shitty excuse for a horror flick, the monsters of which look like Halloween costumes with light-bulb eyes, is the ending credits. Over it plays the full version of the opening theme music and it sounds good.

The title stands for Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers; the homeless population of Manhattan turned killer creature as a result of a secret Contamination Hazard Urban Disposal; and the movie is as stupid as those acronyms.

my rating : 1 of 5

1984

audio review : Relax ( song ) … Problem ( featuring E-40 )

The problem here is Problem. His apathetic (garbage) vocal delivery, specifically on the hook; I hate the way he says “Ooooh” and that he continues to rap after saying he’s “out”; ruins what could’ve been a decent song.

The obvious highlight, aside from the way the beat plays (out) at the end, is E-40. “Never reveal your enforcers; make them think that you’re nervous,” he advises, “not knowing you active duty, more guns than The Service.”

my rating : 1 of 5

2018

audio review : The Gift Of Gab ( album ) ... E-40

video review : Basket Case 2

video review : Basket Case 2

Basket Case, as technically flawed as it may be, is rather engrossing. This sequel, which should’ve never been made; there’s simply no good reason to continue the story; is a joke. My main complaint with the first one was that it didn’t take itself more seriously. Part 2 crawls even further astray.

The tone here is more of a bad TV show than a horror movie. “The Times Square freak twins” are back, but all they do is ruin their mystique. That’s especially true for Belial, who, in a plot that has him and his brother living with other abnormals, is no longer the freakiest in the room.

my rating : 1 of 5

1990

video review : Host

video review : Host

This movie, which, at less than an hour long, hardly qualifies as such, is about friends getting together via Zoom during the Covid-19 “lockdown” to participate in a séance. They’re Hosted by a girl named Haley. It’s her friend who connects them to the “spirit realm”.

After a few jokes, it becomes a horror movie; one inspired by Rec; it’s actually based on a real-life internet prank inspired by Rec; presented in the style of Unfriended with all the silly scare tactics of the Paranormal Activity series. I jumped once. Cute girls though.

my rating : 1 of 5

2020

That Feeling You Can Only Say What It Is In French ( story ) … Stephen King

This story, about a woman experiencing déjà vu on a second honeymoon trip to Captiva Island, is one of Stephen King’s worst. It’s a lot of biographical rambling, mostly about the woman’s mundane marriage, without any narrative payoff.

my rating : 1 of 5

1998

That Feeling You Can Only Say What It Is In French ( story ) ... Stephen King

video review : When A Stranger Calls

video review : When A Stranger Calls

For the first twenty minutes, When A Stranger Calls a babysitter named Jill and threatens to cover himself in her blood, it seems this is going to be a decent horror flick. What it suddenly turns into, after a seven-year time leap, is a half-ass crime thriller involving a different woman. Jill eventually comes back into the picture as an adult with kids of her own, but by then it’s way too late to save this mess of a movie.

my rating : 1 of 5

1979

audio review : On I Go ( song ) … Fiona Apple

I don’t know what Fiona Apple’s Going for here, but she needs to head back and try again. This song; I use that term loosely; is abominable. She repeats the same incoherent vocals over and over again, which might not be so bad if they weren’t off-beat.

“On I go, not toward or away,” she says to what sounds like people banging on pots and pans. It’s probably the worst song she’s ever made; certainly the worst she’s put on an album. It sounds like something that came out while she was on the toilet.

my rating : 1 of 5

2020

audio review : Fetch The Bolt Cutters ( album ) ... Fiona Apple

video review : August Underground

video review : August Underground

The one thing this fictional snuff film has going for it is that its director, Fred Vogel, is a skilled makeup artist. When a girl is kidnapped, beaten, tortured and killed in a basement, covered in blood and feces with her left nipple sliced off, it looks real.

What the movie needs is a better plot. It’s more a presentation of random scenes, which makes sense; it’s supposed to be amateur video shot by psychos; but offers nothing even perverted butt-sniffers like me would want to watch for an hour.

my rating : 1 of 5

2001