Category: reviews with a 2 of 5 rating

video review : The Human Centipede 2 [ Full Sequence ]

video review : The Human Centipede 2 [ Full Sequence ]

The centipede isn’t that bad. It’s the protagonist, a fat guy named Martin, that’s repulsive. Seeing him cough, sneeze and gag is more disgusting than what he does to other people with the exception of him knocking someone’s teeth out with a hammer. At least I assume that’s what happened. I had to look away.

Having to look away is the point as director Tom Six presents a horror sequel that’s even more bloody and violent than part 1. Though there’s no narrative explanation for the sudden transformation to black and white, it also looks better. There’s a darker, more sinister tone here. Lacking is any kid of narrative depth.

There is a story and even some backstory; Martin, who was apparently sexually abused by his father as a child, is a die-hard fan of the first Human Centipede movie and has become obsessed with creating one of his own; but that’s just a flat platform for the gimmicky concept, which is, so far, all this series has going for it.

If there’s a part 3; and judging by the way this one ends, there probably will be; I’d like a centipede of all girls. If I have to watch naked people squirm around on the floor with their mouths on each other’s asses, farting and squirting diarrhea, once again, I’d like for all of them to be girls; preferably attractive ones.

my rating : 2 of 5

2011
 

LloydDuff :

weren’t you more then a bit harsh about Martin? Not everyone hates chubby people

as for the black and white I found it gave out an erasierhead like tone to it

video review : Edward Scissorhands

video review : Edward Scissorhands

Edward has scissors for hands, but no one ever says why. All his backstory explains is that the scissors, which, like his mountain home and the personalities of the people in the surrounding neighborhood he eventually pierces, are largely exaggerated, were supposed to be temporary. The man who invented him died just before putting on his hands.

Not that it matters much. Scissorhands, a well-mannered ghost of a man dressed in all leather like a slave in a bondage session, is more annoying than intriguing and I don’t care anything about him. Even when a plot finally begins to develop, it’s all in vain. The fairy tale epilogue, which explains the origin of snow in pastel Suburbia, is cute though.

my rating : 2 of 5

1990

video review : Perfect Sense

video review : Perfect Sense

I appreciate the sight of Susan’s bare tits. She’s attractive, so when a man named Michael meets her, fucks her and starts to development romantic feelings for her, in that order, I totally understand. But the times they spend together are the worst parts of this movie. They’re also the main focus for a long time.

That leaves its underlying concept; cataclysm in the form of a widespread epidemic that robs people of their senses and turns them into emotional maniacs; largely neglected. What an interesting flick this could’ve been if it were just that; an artsy science fiction drama about the end of the world as it might happen.

my rating : 2 of 5

2011

audio review : So Beautiful Or So What ( album ) … Paul Simon

audio review : So Beautiful Or So What ( album ) ... Paul Simon

I don’t think Paul Simon’s ever made a beautiful album. He’s made plenty of beautiful songs though. That made albums that were at least good. That was until a little over a decade ago when; after The Capeman, one of his most melodic sets; the quality of his music suddenly declined. He’s been stuck in an artistic rut ever since. This new album, only his third in all that time, is no return to form.

The first song, a Christmas anthem, suggests it might be. It’s better than every song on his last album and most of the ones on The One before it. But So Beautiful is a wonderless mess from there. Most of the album, all but the first and last song, is simply a drag. The poetry and storytelling is signature Paul Simon, but the vocal melodies, an element the artist used to master, are boring and bland.

These songs should’ve been scrapped for better ones, or “simple” ones as Paul Simon himself described during a Barnes And Noble interview in 2008. He debuted live demo versions of Love And Hard Times and Questions For The Angels that day, music he described as “complex”, before strumming an experimental groove he described as the result of going back to something simple.

That groove was bouncy and catchy. It didn’t need drums or even vocals to sound marvelous. I hoped he’d make a song out of it, but it’s nowhere to be found. In its place are songs it takes repeated listens to grasp the melodies of. The whiny guitar riffs on Love And Blessings are funky, but it’s not enough. I want a beautiful Paul Simon album, or at least another good one, before he’s dead and gone.

my rating : 2 of 5

2011

audio review : Pink Friday [ Roman Reloaded ] ( album ) … Nicki Minaj

Pink Friday [ Roman Reloaded ] ( album ) ... Nicki Minaj

The vapid Matrix-esque title is a clue. Nicki Minaj, it seems, as unique as she may be in the wacky style and personality she projects to the pop world, is no more of a music artist than her average fan. If you randomly put one of them in a high-end studio with established beat-makers and a hefty budget, I bet they would shoot-out, or perhaps shit-out, an album that’s no worse, if not better, than this Pink Friday sequel.

She’s an okay rapper. Her lyrics aren’t special, but I can at least dig her regular rapping voice. That’s “regular” as in when she’s not caricaturing it with goofy inflections. Her talent is minimal though, so even when she sings whole songs, verses and all, over thumping house beats that could’ve been made for Rihanna or Lady Gaga, as is the case for much of this album, the quality of her music is never better than average.

I don’t mind bubble gum pop music, but I demand from it what I demand from music of any other genre. That quality is missing here. Worse is that these songs, some of which are already bad in the first place, are presented without any conceptual order. It starts as a rap album but soon transforms into the aforementioned croonfest. Without any balance or separation lines, the switch is jarring and anticlimactic.

Her singer fans and her rapper fans get only about a half album each. Maybe that’s a good thing because there isn’t really a good song on either set. Roman Holiday, despite its outlandish vocals, does have a tolerable stage-ready chorus, but Come On A Cone sounds like an impromptu; something you’d record for fun but wouldn’t dare put on your album; and Hov Lane is one of the worst songs I ever heard.

The singing songs, which sound not just like one another but generic prototypes for the genre, do better. They, unlike Nicki Minaj and Lil Wayne going “ba-bang-bang” on the title track, at least have flat little melodies to latch on to; no worse than Rihanna and Lady Gaga to my ears. They belong on a different album though; one that’s not supposed to be a sequel to an album that wasn’t about songs like these.

my rating : 2 of 5

2012

video review : American Reunion

video review : American Reunion

Did the world need another slice of American Pie? The answer is, of course, no. And I’m referring to American Pie 2; the first in a set of unnecessary sequels, including four spin-offs. That the story continues to continue on, with an oddly-timed thirteen-year Reunion, thirteen years later, is a testament to the way the movie business works. It’s not really about art. It’s about money. So even moderately popular flicks spawn sequels almost automatically. That means this reunion just might be the first of more.

When we met Jim Levenstein, he and his three best friends were high school seniors with a pact to lose their virginity before graduation. Now he’s married with a kid, Kevin is married, Oz is a professional sportscaster and Finch… rides a motorcycle. But we shouldn’t know any of this. Their stories should’ve ended with their high school graduation. The rest should’ve been left to our imaginations. Instead we get what feels like an extended epilogue; one that’s long passed the length of the story itself.

It is nice to see everybody again, particularly Stifler. He’s not nearly as funny as he tries to be; the fake phone-call is the only thing he does that makes me laugh out loud; but his outrageousness makes him the funniest among these semi-funny characters. It’s just that the movie, as much as it tries with all its time-lapse jokes; Stifler pretends to read the Twilight series to connect with high school chicks and the Spice Girls Wannabe song now plays on the Classic Rock station; can only go so far on nostalgia alone.

my rating : 2 of 5

2012

Willa ( story ) … Stephen King

This story is best at the start as a man, stranded at a Wyoming train station with other derailed passengers, searches for his missing fiancée. Soon he wanders off into the darkness to look for her, despite the danger of being eaten by wolves or other creatures lurking in the night.

From there, a major revelation is revealed to both the reader and the character. That’s when the plot, which goes from mystery to folklore, starts to get silly. By the end, the title seems incomplete. The story is ultimately about a romantic bond between a woman and a man.

my rating : 2 of 5

2006

Willa ( story ) ... Stephen King

video review : The Sixth Sense

video review : The Sixth Sense

If I saw dead people “everywhere” all the time, I think I’d eventually get used to it, at least to the point where it doesn’t scare me anymore. Not nine-year-old Cole Sear. They still scare him and he’s been seeing them all his life. It’s a secret he keeps to himself, so when he reacts to them, alive people think he’s crazy. I thought he was too until I started to see the ghosts for myself. I wasn’t scared though. I was more dumbfounded than anything else. How, I wondered, are these ghosts wearing clothes?

My snide thoughts were more entertaining than this movie; a slow-paced psychological thriller that doesn’t really thrill until the end. It’s a twist ending if there ever was such a thing; one I was surprised thus impressed by. It almost made me want to watch the movie all over again to see how they pulled it off, but I wouldn’t subject myself to that. It’s too boring for too long. As the kid says to the psychologist while he’s trying to tell him a bedtime story, “You have to add some twists and stuff.”

my rating : 2 of 5

1999

Princess Diana’s physical appearance

Princess Diana's physical appearance Princess Diana's physical appearance Princess Diana's physical appearance Princess Diana's physical appearance Princess Diana's physical appearance

I don’t care about Royalty. I judge people for what they are or at least how I perceive them to be. To me, Diana Spencer, better known as Princess Diana; or Diana, Princess Of Wales; was nothing to honor. She might’ve been when it came to personality. I don’t know, but certainly wasn’t when it came to looks.

She looked like a man even when faked up in makeup. I think that mostly had to do with the vertical extension of her nose. It’s the one part of her face I can cover with my thumb to make her look more attractive. I’m not saying she was ugly because I don’t think she was; just that I’m not into dudes.

my rating : 2 of 5

2012

video review : Paranormal Activity 2

video review : Paranormal Activity 2

The best thing about this movie is the baby boy. He’s cute and endearing, as babies often are. But his precious presence is wasted because the movie is pointless. It’s a very unneccesary sequel to a movie that wasn’t even that interesting in the first place, let alone scary. And even if you think the first set of Paranormal Activity was scary, how likely are you to fall for the same tricks?

Everything but the ending takes place before that first one, so it’s actually a prequel of sorts; a backstory to tell us more about Katie and the demon that’s been harassing her since she was eight years old. It does that via more home video footage; this time from a surveillance system installed in the home of Katie’s sister, Kristi, after what appears to be some kind of random home invasion.

Kristi; who shares the house with her husband, his daughter from a previous marriage and their newborn son; come home one day to discover that, with the exception of the baby’s room, the house has been ransacked. But there doesn’t seem to be anything missing. It isn’t until after they install the cameras that the probability of robbers is virtually eliminated and things start to get creepy.

That’s creepy for them, not necessarily for us. Weird noises come out of nowhere and objects appear to move by themselves, but it’s never particularly scary to watch on camera; even when it becomes obvious that there’s something supernatural going on. When you ponder the suggested cause, which revolves around some folklore the daughter reads on the internet, it’s actually quite silly.

my rating : 2 of 5

2010

video review : Paranormal Activity 3
video review : Paranormal Activity 4
video review : Paranormal Activity : The Marked Ones
video review : Paranormal Activity : The Ghost Dimension
video review : Paranormal Activity : Next Of Kin

video review : Mirrors

video review : Mirrors

There’s a nice glimpse of Angela’s butt as she’s stepping into a bathtub. Amy gets wet and shows her sexy cleavage during a house flood. Those are the best parts. That’s not a good thing for a movie that’s supposed to be encased in horror.

The concept is too silly to be scary. It’s about demon-imprisoned mirrors, but characters taking it seriously just make you laugh. The last three minutes before the ending credits are actually pretty cool. By then, it’s too late.

my rating : 2 of 5

2008

video review : AI [ Artificial Intelligence ]

video review : AI [ Artificial Intelligence ]

Intelligence? Not so much. This movie is stupid most of the time. That starts at the initial premise; the creation of a robot child, a Mecha, designed to “love”. It’s a loaded term that is never clearly defined, but, judging by the behavior of the boy, it apparently has to do with romantic obsession. The fact that it’s his adoptive Mommy he feels that way toward gives the story an incestuous underlining. The ending, in which the two spend the day together and gaze into each other’s eyes to dreamy orchestral music, gets downright pedophilic. I was waiting for them to start fucking.

Still their relationship and the things that happen around it during the first third of the movie is the best part. It leads to a genuinely despondent abandonment scene; one of the few times Steven Spielberg’s heartstringing actually works. From there the tone changes from psychological drama to action adventure; the boy, his toy bear and an expendable Mecha man must find their way to The Blue Fairy before being killed by the evil humans; back to a different kind of psychological drama. It’s that last third, an extended epilogue, that comes across as meandering and pretentious.

If AI is supposed to represent some big important metaphor or make its audience ponder deep philosophical questions, the effort is lost on me. My questions have more to do with the logic of the plot, like how can the boy survive for years under water if he breaks when he tries to eat a few spoonfuls of spinach? Why do the “parents” bother sitting him at the family dinner table with a plate of food if he can’t eat? Why was the child programmed to love only the mother and not the father? They’re petty arguments, but asking them is more engaging than anything this new-age Pinocchio has to offer.

my rating : 2 of 5

2001