Category: reviews

video review : Orphan : First Kill

video review : Orphan : First Kill

The First twenty minutes or so, most of which serve as a sort of prelude, suggests this; First Kills would be a more accurate title; will be another bad movie sequel, but it gets better. The plot never reaches the watchability of the original Orphan; this is actually a prequel set in 2007; but it has its moments.

The best parts draw (paint) upon the tension around Esther’s secret as she cons herself into the life of a family living in Darien, Connecticut. She plays the role of their missing daughter/sister, but of course things aren’t always what they appear to be. Cue a sudden and anagnorisis plot twist near the halfway point.

It’s a surprise for sure and initially disappointing in its execution, but at least it’s a new idea in a movie sequel that was playing out a bit too much like its predecessor. It’s inferior on the whole but better than the start leads you to believe. I also like the ending as it sets up the main (Orphan) story quite nicely.

my rating : 3 of 5

2022

Katie Hill’s physical appearance

Katie Hill's physical appearance Katie Hill's physical appearance Katie Hill's physical appearance Katie Hill's physical appearance

I don’t know why I want to fuck Katie Hill. She’s not pretty or even cute, her skin is rough and she has two bulges on the front of her nose, but there’s a thin line between mere beauty flaws and the manifestations of a real woman.

She does wear makeup and seems to have a preference for red lipstick, which is repulsive; I hate lipstick; but perhaps that’s a nod to her not-so-secret sexual (bisexual) inhibitions, which, looks aside, make her all the more milfy.

my rating : 3 of 5

2022

video review : The Conjuring

video review : The Conjuring

The prelude, which introduces “paranormal investigators” Ed and Lorraine Warren via their Annabelle Case, is silly, but the following story begins decently enough. It has a family; a husband and wife along with their five daughters; moving into a house in Harrisville, Rhode Island. The year is 1971 and, despite a janky furnace, the retro vibes are warm and inviting.

It’s when the spooks begin; the house is, of course, haunted; that things start to get silly again. Perhaps The Conjuring, with a less ominous title, would’ve been better as a light Brady-Bunch-like coming-of-age story. As is, the movie, which is supposedly based on a true story, with all its lazy horror genre clichés, gets more and more ridiculous the longer it goes.

my rating : 2 of 5

2013

audio review : Get Off The Stage ( album ) … Too Short

audio review : Get Off The Stage ( album ) ... Too Short

Sounding more like a collection of song demos than album number seventeen, Get Off The Stage will have you yelling just that. Too Short has never sounded so uninspired and the beats are basic, but the worst parts by far are the lame-ass hooks. Dum Ditty Dum is downright awful.

I like I Like It; it’s the one good song on the album; and I’m glad Short Dogg came out of retirement when he did to drop some more game on us, but, if it’s gotten to the point where he’s putting out shit like this, it’s time to take his own advice and get the fuck Off The Stage for good.

my rating : 2 of 5

2007

Little Caesars Pizza : Classic Pepperoni

Little Caesars Pizza : Classic Pepperoni

Pizza is my favorite food, especially when it’s served fresh from the oven, and Little Caesars is no exception. Pepperoni is the only topping I need; it strikes a near perfect balance with the cheese; and this, their signature pie, is indeed a Classic.

That’s partly thanks to special spices they put in the sauce, which give the flavor its signature zing. The texture varies from soft to crispy depending on how long it’s been cooked, but I prefer mine soft so that the crust tastes like Crazy Bread.

my rating : 5 of 5

video review : Jackass Forever

video review : Jackass Forever

That the title of this fourth Jackass sequel doesn’t follow in the tradition of the others by utilizing its number in the word Forever is an odd waste of opportunity. It’s also my only major complaint. Bam Margera is relegated to a cameo and Ryan Dunn is dead, but they’re hardly missed. This newest Jackass is every bit as entertaining as the one before it.

It’s even more dangerous as Johnny Knoxville, now 50, gets knocked unconscious by a charging bull. It’s a brief moment of solemnity; he could’ve been paralyzed or killed; among all the wackiness. “Those guys are getting old,” Chris Pontius jokes elsewhere to a fun new cast member named Zach Holmes, “so we’re handing the torch to you.”

my rating : 4 of 5

2021

video review : Jackass 3D

video review : Jackass 3D

The boys are back, right on schedule, with another Jackass movie. Actually they’re more like documentaries; real-life stunts and pranks that push the limits of danger and vulgarity for the sake of comedy.

3D is more entertaining than the first two. Some of the vulgarity goes a little too far; for some reason, vomit grosses me out more than feces; but you can’t help but laugh at the outrageousness of it all.

my rating : 4 of 5

2010

video review : Jackass Forever

video review : Jackass Number Two

video review : Jackass Number Two

There’s a scene here in which a guy is about to sit on a frozen sculpture molded into the shape of a horse. The goal is to sprinkle water on his testicles so that they’ll stick to the horse as he sits on it. Amidst a few seconds of hesitation, or perhaps a smidgen of common sense starting to emerge, his friend says, “Don’t think about; just do it.”

That’s the philosophy as they up the ante by humiliating and endangering themselves even more than they did in the first Movie. From bullfighting to leeching their eyeballs to drinking animal sperm to eating shit, little is left to the imagination as Johnny Knoxville and his gang further blur the line between comedy and disgust.

It’s extreme shock value; still the only interesting thing they have to offer. That’s fine when it’s funny. When it isn’t, and it usually isn’t, you’re left with the realization that you’re watching a crew of clowns having more fun behind the screen than you are watching them. At that point, you have to ask yourself who the Jackass really is.

my rating : 3 of 5

2006

video review : Jackass 3D
video review : Jackass Forever

video review : Jackass [ The Movie ]

video review : Jackass [ The Movie ]

There has to be something said about grown men reckless enough to humiliate and endanger themselves, literally risking permanent injury if not death, for the sake of a good laugh. Slapstick comedy is the rule for MTV’s Jackass. This Movie version, stripped of television censorship and the controversy that comes with testing the boundaries of it, takes it to the extreme.

From carting thru flying rocks to sticking toy cars up their rectums, you wonder what kind of testosterone, adrenaline or peer pressure it takes to motivate these dim-witted stuntmen. They’re a cross between Super Dave Osborne and The Three Stooges, but, with no wit or narrative cohesion to hold your interest, shock is the only value a Movie like this has to offer.

my rating : 3 of 5

2002

video review : Jackass Number Two
video review : Jackass 3D
video review : Jackass Forever

Ella-Rae Smith’s physical appearance

Ella-Rae Smith's physical appearance Ella-Rae Smith's physical appearance Ella-Rae Smith's physical appearance Ella-Rae Smith's physical appearance Ella-Rae Smith's physical appearance Ella-Rae Smith's physical appearance

I’d shrink her height down several inches; she’s five-nine and I prefer short girls; but Ella-Rae Smith is otherwise just my type. Slim frame, light skin, cute face; it’s all right. That latter bit is enhanced by a pair of gorgeous turquoise eyes I could get lost in.

It’s a shame she, like most girls, chooses to wear fakeup rather than display her natural beauty. Legs, arms, even unpolished fingers I’ll take when I can get. Her bra size is probably the smallest cup, but A, as far as my tastes (thirsts) go, stands for Amazing.

my rating : 5 of 5

2022

video review : The Hunt

video review : The Hunt

The climax reminds me of the fight sequence at Vernita’s house in Kill Bill, but lack of innovative isn’t the problem here. It’s the silliness of the plot. The Hunt, which has a handful of people engaged in a sort of political civil war, goes for comedy; my least favorite movie genre; instead of taking itself seriously.

There’s plenty of violence and gore, and those are the most entertaining parts, but it’s mostly cartoonish; an eyeball stuck on the heel of a shoe. Neither is there anything particularly clever about the overarching satire, which, for what it’s worth, aims at both (conservative) “deplorables” and (liberal) “cucks”.

my rating : 3 of 5

2020