audio review : All For You ( song ) … Janet Jackson

This is Janet Jackson’s best song ever. That’s thanks in part to an old Luther Vandross (Change) sample her loyal superproducers, Jimmy Jam And Terry Lewis, decided to bring back to life. It’s a gorgeously slinky beat to match Jackson’s gorgeously slinky vocal melodies.

If there’s a flaw, it’s that the song dances around the cliché concepts of sex; the part in which she tells a stranger she’s going to “ride” his “package” is uncharacteristically graphic for a radio single; and romance instead of just being the classic party anthem it’s meant to be.

my rating : 5 of 5

2001

audio review : All For You ( album ) ... Janet Jackson

video review : Jesus He Knows Me ( song ) … Genesis

video review : Jesus He Knows Me ( song ) ... Genesis

Casual listeners probably thought this was a typical Christian praise song; the chorus sure sounds like it; but the video makes the message crystal clear. It’s a parody in which frontman Phil Collins plays the role of a television evangelist; the Robert Tilton type who, the band suggests, are mostly in it for the money.

The video, their best yet, is thoroughly entertaining in all the funny/clever ways it plays with the concept. My favorite bit is the paparazzi photos of Mike Rutherford cheating on his wife. It’s also a damn good song, though the most endearing part is an organ prelude you won’t hear on the regular audio version.

my rating : 5 of 5

1992

audio review : LTJ Bukem and MC Conrad performing at the Electronic Beats festival in Cologne

“If you don’t know what to do,” MC Conrad suggests, “learn learn learn to boogie.” That’s easy to do at the Electronic Beats festival, especially during this gorgeous DJ set by LTJ Bukem. It’s a compilation of drum and bass tracks mostly from his Good Looking record label, but it’s Conrad’s signature vocals over the top that make it special.

The way he addresses the crowd, by shouting echoed commands to the beat, should be annoying. It isn’t. In fact, it’s exhilarating, especially when he goes from rhythmic to melodic, making the songs he’s singing over sound even better than they did as instrumentals. He also seems to be freestyling, which makes it even more impressive.

my rating : 5 of 5

2002

audio review : Gone Too Soon ( song ) … Michael Jackson

This is a song that uses the imagery of similes to lament a special someone or something that, “like a comet blazing cross the evening sky”, is Gone Too Soon. The vocals; both Michael Jackson’s voice and the melody it carries; are utterly marvelous. I’m not crying. Those “perfect” flowers are messing with my allergies.

my rating : 5 of 5

1991

video review : Delirious ( comedy special ) … Eddie Murphy

video review : Delirious ( comedy special ) ... Eddie Murphy

I don’t know about Delirious, but Eddie Murphy is certainly hilarious in this HBO special. It’s a stand-up comedy show live from Washington DC, but there’s nothing politically correct about it. Even with kids in the audience, Murphy comes with a barrage of raunchy jokes, often via personal anecdotes and spot-on celebrity impressions. He also goes after white people and “fags”, but it’s all in fun. “I fuck with everybody,” he says, “I don’t give a fuck.”

my rating : 5 of 5

1983

audio review : Hello ( song ) … Lionel Richie

Lionel Richie goes beyond simply admiring a pretty neighbor from afar. He’s fallen in love with her, which, as a guy who considers a girl’s looks more important than her personality when it comes to romance, I can relate to. He seems too shy to tell her though. “Hello,” he says, but only in his mind.

What he should do is play this song for her. I’m the least gay tenant in the building and I’d damn-near date him. It’s a beautiful “love” song, basically flawless as far as vocal melodies go. Even the bridge, a guitar instrumental, is a tender serenade. If it doesn’t win her heart, nothing will.

my rating : 5 of 5

1983

audio review : I Care 4 You ( song ) … Aaliyah

I don’t Care 4 the Prince-like numeration in the title; it takes away from the solemnity of the song; but damn. I would’ve swore this were a remake of some soul classic from the 1970s, but, according to the credits, Timbaland composed the beat with no samples and it’s Missy Elliott who deserves credit for the melodic vocal arrangement.

The trite lyrics, which tell a guy who’s “in pain” with heartbreak that the girl who left him must be “insane”, are the song’s one major weakness. The a4mentioned title number is a small factor in comparison. A lot of great songs say silly things though. It’s the throwback groove that comforts, along with the sweet croon of a very accommodating Aaliyah.

my rating : 5 of 5

2001

audio review : Hand In My Pocket ( song ) … Alanis Morissette

This song’s only flaw, aside from the One missing from the title, is the fact that there’s no piano after Alanis mentions playing the piano. A bar or two in the empty space that follows would help inch the ballad that much closer to perfection.

It’s an ego trip of sorts that begins with the singer fingering her Pocket for cash that isn’t there and ends with the hailing of a “texi kab!”. Her psycho-chick voice inflections are part of the song’s overall charm, along with a beautiful refrain.

my rating : 5 of 5

1995

audio review : The Lady In My Life ( song ) … Michael Jackson

The Lady In most people’s lives, at least at the beginning, is their mother, but Michael Jackson isn’t singing about Katherine. This is a song about a girlfriend. “Lay your body close to mine,” he croons with strong sexual undertones, “I can make you feel alright.”

It’s mostly about “love” though; the romantic kind that can make a gentleman resort to bombastic schoolyard poetry in order to express his true feelings. He and she become not just a couple but “two hearts in a beat of ecstasy”, whatever that’s supposed to mean.

Sweet nothings can be awwfully charming though, especially when they’re winter-blanketed in funky grooves and gorgeous melodies like these. Most popular songs are “love” songs and Michael Jackson’s are no exception, but this one may very well be his best.

my rating : 5 of 5

1982

audio review : Thriller ( album ) ... Michael Jackson

Sonic’s Chili Cheese Coney

Sonic's Chili Cheese Coney

I don’t like and rarely eat chili unless it’s on a hot dog, which it actually improves the taste of. This Coney from Sonic is no exception. Cheese only further enhances the experience.

The usual condiments; mustard, ketchup and mayonnaise; would only distract. Neither is there a need for onions. It’s just a beef hot dog with chili and cheese and it’s delicious.

my rating : 5 of 5

Jessica Parker Kennedy’s physical appearance

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I want to eat Jessica Parker Kennedy. I don’t just mean that as a metaphor for licking pussy. I mean I want to eat her face like a cannibal. It looks like someone already got to her nose, but it’s slightly odd shape only adds to her prettiness.

If she’s not perfectly pretty, she’s about as close as I’ve ever seen. That’s thanks in part to her creamy skin color, which is indeed perfect in my eyes. It seems rare to catch her without make up; the one true beauty test; but she’s also cute without it.

my rating : 5 of 5

2019