Category: reviews with a 2 of 5 rating

audio review : Get Off The Stage ( album ) … Too Short

audio review : Get Off The Stage ( album ) ... Too Short

Sounding more like a collection of song demos than album number seventeen, Get Off The Stage will have you yelling just that. Too Short has never sounded so uninspired and the beats are basic, but the worst parts by far are the lame-ass hooks. Dum Ditty Dum is downright awful.

I like I Like It; it’s the one good song on the album; and I’m glad Short Dogg came out of retirement when he did to drop some more game on us, but, if it’s gotten to the point where he’s putting out shit like this, it’s time to take his own advice and get the fuck Off The Stage for good.

my rating : 2 of 5

2007

Lizzo’s physical appearance

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Fuck the euphemisms. Lizzo isn’t “thick”, “meaty”, “big-boned”, “chubby” or even merely “overweight”. The bitch is fat. It would be going too far to say she’s obese; though perhaps medically accurate, I reserve that term for the truly grotesque; but she’s certainly fat.

She’s not ugly per se; her face could be cute if she were skinny; but fatness is a form of ugliness, so she’s far from pretty. When people refer to her as such; she even has the audacity to describe herself as “beautiful”; it suggests either dishonesty or delusion.

Call me a “fat shamer” and you won’t be too far off the mark. Lizzo should indeed be ashamed when she exposes to the world that bloated belly, those massive thighs and that dimply cottage cheese ass. Then again, who am I to criticize people who cater to fetishism?

Truth be told, I might actually (secretly) have sex with her if she were to catch me in a horny mood. I’d never date her, but my sexual standards are a lot lower than my romantic ones. Still I’d be instantly disgusted with myself the second I, pun intended, drop my load.

my rating : 2 of 5

2022

Jada Pinkett Smith’s physical appearance

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Jada Pinkett was certainly a cutie in her 20s, but age eventually takes its toll; a fact often made worse when women who are rich and famous try to delay the inevitable by getting cosmetic surgery. I don’t know which of the two did Jada in more, but she looks a lot different now and not in a good way.

That’s especially been the case ever since she revealed, sometime last year, her new bald look. She’s apparently been secretly suffering from alopecia areata; an autoimmune disease that causes hair loss; for years and finally decided to stop trying to hide it. Well, she should go back to hiding it.

Any female’s looks would take a major hit going from having hair to being bald and Jada is no exception. Head hair is extremely important when it comes to beauty. With it, she’s okay enough for an older woman; there are still hints of cuteness; but she looks repulsively mannish without it.

my rating : 2 of 5

2022

Rat ( story ) … Stephen King

It’s Stephen King’s preference for the strange and supernatural that ruins this one. The Bleeds headline reads something like Novelist With Flu Stuck In Cabin During Killer Cyclone and it could’ve been a decent story if that were the gist, but the plot goes haywire at Chapter 22 when the ridiculous title character comes into play.

my rating : 2 of 5

2020

review : If It Bleeds ( book ) ... Stephen King

video review : Devil

video review : Devil

Being trapped in an elevator, between the upper floors of a skyscraper, is scary enough. Put the main characters together in that situation for most of the plot and you have the potential for a terrific movie; one that is plausible enough to have happened in real life. Making one of them The Devil in disguise and boxing the plot with religious folklore is a sure way to head things down in the wrong direction.

Horror is supposed to derive from the fact that nobody; you nor the wacked-out characters in this story; knows which of the five passengers it is who’s supernaturally causing the sudden death of people both inside and outside of the elevator. The problem is that the deadpan plot, led by a laughably overdramatic classical music score, is never compelling enough to make you give a damn.

my rating : 2 of 5

2010

video review : The Pepsi Super Bowl 56 Halftime Show

video review : The Pepsi Super Bowl 56 Halftime Show

Snoop Dogg is the highlight here and that’s not a weed pun. In a Halftime Show full of stilted performances; Mary J Blige, who isn’t a protégé of Dr Dre and shouldn’t have been included, goes way over the top; he easily comes across as the most authentic and likeable. Watching him Crip walk to California Love, you’d think he was entertaining guests at a backyard barbeque; not on stage in front of the biggest viewing audience in America.

50 Cent is comparatively stiff, but he at least has sexy groupies In Da Club with him. The logic of giving three fat chicks a stage to themselves is lost on me. Not that the show, which is a bit of a mess, makes a lot of sense in the first place. Eminem is big enough to headline The Super Bowl on his own. His appearance here to perform his most obvious hit comes across as both anticlimactic and corny. Still he’s not as annoying as Kendrick Lamar. Few rappers are.

my rating : 2 of 5

video review : Antlers

video review : Antlers

This is a horror flick based not on killer deer but the wendigo; a mythological creature that “devours mankind”. It’s a decent concept, but the plot, which reminds me of Stephen King’s Gray Matter, is riddled with cinematic clichés and implausibilities. It seems even the most horrendous villains have a weakness for protagonists.

The boy the man turned wendigo fathers is fine. It’s his nosey school teacher; the wendigo is less creepy; I was hoping he’d use as beast feed. Instead, while her cop brother, attacked and injured, lies conveniently out of commission, she ends up playing a heroine of sorts. The movie is about as silly as the folklore it encompasses.

my rating : 2 of 5

2021

video review : Short Circuit

video review : Short Circuit

Number 5 is alive? No, but he thinks he is. He’s a military robot created at Nova Laboratories. It’s when he gets struck by a magical lightning bolt and inadvertently escapes to the home of a girl named Stephanie that the plots kicks into gear.

A potentially interesting concept is ruined by the movie’s chosen genre. Short Circuit would be better as serious science fiction. Instead it presents itself as mostly comedy; the star robot is constantly making jokes; except it’s mostly corny.

my rating : 2 of 5

1986

video review : Short Circuit 2

video review : Halloween Kills

video review : Halloween Kills

Jamie Lee Curtis breaks her tradition of dressing up as Laurie Strode every ten years for Halloween Kills; a sequel to Halloween, which itself is a sequel of the original. The title is fitting; the killings have always been the best parts; but the night should’ve ended long ago.

This movie is, like the series itself, a bloody mess. It starts out decent enough; the 1978 flashback bit conjures a sense of nostalgia that suggests it would’ve been better as a pseudo-remake; but the quality drops dead once the stupid vigilante concept comes into play.

my rating : 2 of 5

2021

video review : Knowing

video review : Knowing

This movie starts off interestingly enough and stays that way for a while, but soon the plot heads Hellward. There are some awesome disaster scenes scattered about, all of which happen to include people running around on fire or being smashed to death by man-made vehicles gone awry, but they don’t even begin to make-up for all the numerical nonsense happening elsewhere in this two-hour yawner.

Part of the problem isn’t that it tries to cover several sci-fi subgenres at once, but that it does so clumsily, going from paranormal thriller to disaster flick to religious allegory only when it’s convenient to the plot. Marco Beltrami’s over-the-top score isn’t appreciated until the end, during a muted scene in which the jovial orchestration doesn’t at all fit with what’s happening on screen but sounds terrific nonetheless.

my rating : 2 of 5

2009

Gerber Prune

Gerber Prune

This Prune, which is actually a prune purée, looks like chocolate pudding. Unfortunately for the poor babies it’s created and marketed for, it doesn’t taste like it. It tastes, appropriately enough, like liquid raisins, which isn’t downright disgusting; I’m reluctantly able to finish the pack if only for the health benefits it provides; but close enough.

my rating : 2 of 5

Lysol Multi-Purpose Cleaner With Hydrogen Peroxide : Citrus Sparkle Zest

Lysol Multi-Purpose Cleaner With Hydrogen Peroxide : Citrus Sparkle Zest

This Multi-Purpose Cleaner from Lysol gives a “powerful cleaning” as advertised, probably thanks to the Hydrogen Peroxide, but the scent, which the company has the gall to call Citrus Sparkle Zest, is repugnant. It smells like somebody tried to drink lemon juice mixed with sour milk, vomited, then tried to clean it up with Lysol.

my rating : 2 of 5