“Plantains are high in fiber and resistant starch,” the bag reads, “which makes them a great crispy alternative to potato chips.” They also taste about as good, which is telling considering the fact that there are only two other ingredients; sunflower oil and salt. You may also be surprised to realize they’re not at all sweet but rather savory.
my rating : 4 of 5
It’s a fun concept, but this tastes like neither Skittles; my favorite candy; nor regular Cotton Candy. It’s more of the latter than the former, at least initially before the chemical aftertaste settles in, but either way it’s a blatant fraud. It also smells like something you shouldn’t be eating.
my rating : 2 of 5
With so many males pretending to be females, spotting what seems like a beautiful college girl in heavy makeup is cause for pause, especially when her lips are under a five-o’clock shadow. Scientific research suggests Mariah is, however, a real woman who, like most in the public spotlight, simply tries to fake perfection with cosmetics.
She’s naturally cute though with chipmunk cheeks that show dimples when she smiles. Her skin tone is light enough. Her body is basically flawless, at least on the outside. I’d like for her to sit on my face so I could study her inner anatomy. A taste test would be needed for chemical confirmation. Nothing sexual; strictly Science.
my rating : 5 of 5
2024
They shouldn’t have changed the style of the chorus at the end and Dres should’ve followed Posdnuos/Trugoy’s flow/echoes in his verse. Otherwise everything about this song, from host Mike G’s introduction to the random shoutouts at the end, is just right. Kudos to Prince Paul for the funky beat and quirky “ball” samples.
my rating : 4 of 5
1991
Angie (Bastian) says on the bag that this Popcorn “is made with real, simple ingredients”; “you know, ingredients you don’t have to scrunch up your face to say”. The list is indeed impressively modest, which wouldn’t mean much if it didn’t make for a “flavorful snack”. The taste holds up though, thanks mostly to the powdery White Cheddar coating.
my rating : 4 of 5
This French Ice Cream, a Van Leeuwen “limited edition” for the fall (“autumn”) season, would’ve been better as just Cinnamon Roll. The Pumpkin bit, while far from overwhelming, does its flavor no favors. Still it tastes good enough to eat and enjoy as you prepare for the cold of winter.
my rating : 4 of 5
This compilation, a DM Records album sampler of sorts, starts with two good songs. Bass 305’s Return, with its pretty pianos and Indian chants, brings about a sense of grace and placidity. Underground Bass Masters follow with a groove that sounds even better; the title cut from their newest album.
There are actually three UBM songs here and they’re all good. The set is mostly lackluster otherwise. I like Subsonic Love, but Operating System is nonfunctional and What Is A DJ should be removed from the playlist. Bass Alliance is missing in action, but their album title makes an odd appearance.
my rating : 3 of 5
1999
Peach has sneakily become one of my favorite artificial fruit flavors. The real thing; a fresh juicy peach; is also a treat, but this Energy drink, which has “zero sugar”, is also “0% juice”.
In regard to taste, it goes down as easily one of the best Monsters while the can reminisces upon The Summer Of Love; not the BLM/Antifa riots of 2020 but the hippie movement of 1967.
my rating : 4 of 5
Metro’s track record suggests you can Trust him to provide a Boomin beat. This album, which would’ve been better suited as a mixtape, is no exception. His music, though too many of the drums and trap ticks sound alike, are the best part. Whether Future’s semi-retarded vocals help or hurt matters is the question for any given song, though it’s guest rapper Kendrick Lamar who’s most annoying.
my rating : 3 of 5
2024
This record is, as the ridiculous title suggests, all about the Funk; the kind you hear, and smell, at the local discothèque. The set begins with Loose Caboose; a song made for the sole purpose of shaking your ass to; but it’s the Music that has everyone dancing. Joe Tex’s vocals, which he shouts like a ghetto church preacher, are less than divine.
my rating : 2 of 5
1978
“We marinate our high-quality pork in a blend of garlic,” the bag reads, “soy sauce and brown sugar that’ll make your mouth water.” That’s if yours, unlike mine, has a chance to water in the time it takes to start wolfing.
These Snack Bites are essentially human doggy treats; not in the sense some Koreans might anticipate; better than most other meaty alternatives. It’s the “bold, delicious” blend of sweet and savory that sets it apart.
my rating : 4 of 5
As impressive as the ingredients list may be; it includes flowers and the word “organic” appears ten times; plain water is healthier. Is it tastier? I guess that depends. Strawberry is one of the best fruits in that regards, but Lemon leaves a lot to be desired. Not that the flavor is akin to either. This tastes like sweet tea to me.
my rating : 3 of 5
