video review : The Twilight Zone : The Man In The Bottle

video review : The Twilight Zone : The Man In The Bottle

The Man is actually a genie able to grant wishes. The one caveat is that you only get four and can’t wish for more. That would be plenty to make my life everything I’d ever want it to be; he actually gives you time to think it over before making it “official”; but the plot of this story relies on the stupidity of its protagonist.

Enter Arthur Castle. When the genie is summoned to the struggling antique shop he runs with his wife, he’s at first skeptical and wastes his first wish on a trivial test. Once he realizes he’s for real, he wishes for money but isn’t thoughtful enough to make it limitless. His last two wishes are even more idiotic.

my rating : 3 of 5

1960

video review : Cloverfield

video review : Cloverfield

A terrorist the size of Godzilla invades New York City and goes on the attack, breaking thru that big fourth wall in the process, for Cloverfield. It’s a Matt Reeves movie; an artsy creature feature of sorts; but most of the credit goes to Hud; the guy with the (shaky) camera. Lucky for us, he continues to record even as buildings start to fall and The Statue Of Liberty’s head goes rolling by.

my rating : 4 of 5

2008

video review : 10 Cloverfield Lane

Yoplait Original : Harvest Peach

Yoplait Original : Harvest Peach

Peaches were never one of my favorite fruits growing up, but a cup of this Yoplait Original cold from the fridge is enough to make a man question his own life values. It’s smooth creamy yogurt with bits of real Harvest Peaches and it’s absolutely delicious.

my rating : 5 of 5

video review : Raw ( comedy special ) … Eddie Murphy

video review : Raw ( comedy special ) ... Eddie Murphy

When Eddie Murphy impersonates a gay guy imitating a police siren and a starving man’s reaction to eating a cracker, it’s laugh-out-loud funny, but such moments are fewer and farther between than the ones from his Delirious show.

That one rarely lets up. This one is funny; once you get past the corny introduction skit; but not nearly as often. He spends too much time on Bill Cosby, which isn’t one of his best impersonations, romantic relationships and sex.

my rating : 3 of 5

1987

video review : Mommie Dearest

video review : Mommie Dearest

I’m not sure why, but I get the feeling Joan Crawford might be mentally unstable. Perhaps it’s the way she reacts when she realizes her daughter’s dress is hanging on a, gasp, wire hanger. It’s one of the movie’s many examples of overacting but also its most iconic, and most hilarious, moment. All of Mommie Dearest’s best scenes, in fact, are ones in which she’s abusing her daughter.

To be fair, the plot is based on a book, a memoir, written by Crawford’s real-life adopted daughter, so we’re only getting one side of the story. When it comes to allegations of mistreatment, especially among dysfunctional families, the truth is often overdramatized for the sake of one’s own virtue. Her take is interesting though, even if barely enough to have been made into a Hollywood movie.

my rating : 3 of 5

1981

audio review : Poor Georgie ( song ) … MC Lyte

“If you love someone, you should say it often,” MC Lyte advises, “You’ll never know when they’ll be laying in a coffin.” Awkward grammar aside, it’s a poignant message and the lesson of this story about a guy she met one night at a (dance) club.

There are “kiss/cry” breaks; the Motown hit bits, while random in their inclusion, also add a nice touch; but no chorus. It’s the lonely guitar loop; the whole song is based on Toto’s Georgy Porgy; that keeps you hooked till the tragic end.

my rating : 4 of 5

1991

audio review : Act Like You Know ( album ) ... MC Lyte

video review : Miranda Maverick versus Erin Blanchfield at UFC 269

video review : Miranda Maverick versus Erin Blanchfield at UFC 269

In hindsight, it’s easy to say Miranda Maverick shouldn’t have taken this fight. She stepped in, on about a month’s notice, to replace a reportedly injured Maycee Barber, who gave Maverick her first UFC defeat back in July, but gets mostly dominated.

“How you feel right now,” Maverick’s coach starts to say between rounds, but she takes it as a question. “I’m losing,” she answers. She does good at limiting “damage”, but it’s Blanchfield’s offense; takedowns and ground game; that does her in.

my rating : 3 of 5

2021

video review : Buried

video review : Buried

A lot of people say that being Buried alive is the thing they fear more than anything else. I can think of worse, but the lack of oxygen alone would make for a terrifying experience. An American truck driver named Paul Conroy finds himself in just this situation after being kidnapped by “terrorists” while doing contract work in Iraq.

The hook is that the entire movie, which is sometimes overdramatic but generally suspenseful, takes place in the coffin. That means we’re with Paul the whole time. His breathing is annoying, but there are interesting talk breaks as his abductors were thoughtful enough to leave him with a cellphone to call home and beg for ransom money with.

my rating : 3 of 5

2010

Ilhan Omar’s physical appearance

Ilhan Omar's physical appearance Ilhan Omar's physical appearance Ilhan Omar's physical appearance Ilhan Omar's physical appearance Ilhan Omar's physical appearance

A woman’s face is the most important thing when it comes to her physical appearance and often the most important thing about her period, but that’s basically all Ilhan Omar shows. She’s apparently fully clothed any time she expects to be seen by the general public. Aside from her mugshots, we never even see her hair.

That makes for a tough review, but I can tell she’s nowhere near fat. In fact she’s quite slim. My body standards are wide open from there. The aforementioned face is also acceptable. She’s actually somewhat cute; the only notable drawback being her seemingly bloodshot eyes and the way the middle part of her nose droops down.

I want to see more of her. If not an outline of her tits and ass, full bare legs and arms would be nice. When she’s feeling frisky, or risky given the strict fashion boundaries of her Muslim religion, she’s been known to show a little arm. I was also (surprisingly) able to find some pictures of her lovely feet, which for me is like porn.

my rating : 3 of 5

2021

audio review : Breath Control 2 ( song ) … KRS-One

This beat, perhaps the best KRS-One’s ever rapped to, should’ve been put aside for a different artist. It’s a marvelous reggae loop that would’ve been perfect for, say, a Jamal-Ski song for Jamaican girls to shake their butts to. KRS-One is too obsessed with his skills as an MC to allow such mindless fun.

To be clear, it is a good song. Not just for the beat but also KRS-One’s vocal delivery and flow, which goes nicely with it. It’s the concept; a very unnecessary sequel to Breath Control; it would be better without. Even worse is how he dates it by mentioning the year during the “dope style” introduction.

my rating : 4 of 5

1990

audio review : Edutainment ( album ) ... Boogie Down Productions

audio review : Amerikkka’s Nightmare ( album ) … Spice 1

audio review : Amerikkka's Nightmare ( album ) ... Spice 1

“Now they try to wonder and figure how the fuck Charles Manson turn himself to a nigger,” Spice 1 says. The first bar of that line doesn’t really make sense, but the second one is a rare moment of metaphorical brilliance from an otherwise run-of-the-mill gangsta rapper. You listen to Spice 1 albums not for his wit but for his cap-busting tough talk and the grimy beats they’re presented upon. In that regard, AmeriKKKa’s Nightmare doesn’t disappoint. It’s his third, longest and perhaps best album so far.

D-Boyz Got Love for Me, featuring Jive labelmate E-40, is an odd start, but it’s addictive vibe, led by one of the sickest basslines you ever heard Spice 1 rap to, makes it one of the best songs on the album. The piano-led Tell Me What That Mail Like is another. In almost every case, with the exception of a few G-Funk knock-offs, it’s the music, most of which is carefully produced by Blackjack, that overshadows the vocals to the point where you almost start to wonder if the album would be better as an instrumental.

I don’t know, but the only major gripe I have with the album, other than the fact that Spice 1 insists on dating his songs with “94” references, is the diss song. It’s dedicated to Pooh Man; a “fat-ass pudgy” rapper Spice 1 is apparently beefing with. It’s interesting to hear him go at a real person, but the hook, which makes the artistic blunder of stealing a line from Menace To Society, is awkwardly off-beat. Worse yet, the song, which ends the album, has basically nothing to do with the overall concept.

my rating : 3 of 5

1994

audio review : God Only Knows ( song ) … The Beach Boys

This song has one of the most beautiful endings you’ll ever hear. Almost exactly 2 minutes in; when a piano, tambourine and string ensemble give way to what sounds like gentle tap dancing; it goes from just a nice serenade to something special.

“God Only Knows what I’d be without you,” the Boys sing in succession, seemingly trying to outdo each other with their melodic acquities, until the music fades. It’s a marvelous sequence. Too bad the whole song doesn’t sound like that.

my rating : 4 of 5

1966

audio review : God Only Knows ( song ) ... The Beach Boys