Category: reviews with a 3 of 5 rating

video review : Orphan : First Kill

video review : Orphan : First Kill

The First twenty minutes or so, most of which serve as a sort of prelude, suggests this; First Kills would be a more accurate title; will be another bad movie sequel, but it gets better. The plot never reaches the watchability of the original Orphan; this is actually a prequel set in 2007; but it has its moments.

The best parts draw (paint) upon the tension around Esther’s secret as she cons herself into the life of a family living in Darien, Connecticut. She plays the role of their missing daughter/sister, but of course things aren’t always what they appear to be. Cue a sudden and anagnorisis plot twist near the halfway point.

It’s a surprise for sure and initially disappointing in its execution, but at least it’s a new idea in a movie sequel that was playing out a bit too much like its predecessor. It’s inferior on the whole but better than the start leads you to believe. I also like the ending as it sets up the main (Orphan) story quite nicely.

my rating : 3 of 5

2022

Katie Hill’s physical appearance

Katie Hill's physical appearance Katie Hill's physical appearance Katie Hill's physical appearance Katie Hill's physical appearance

I don’t know why I want to fuck Katie Hill. She’s not pretty or even cute, her skin is rough and she has two bulges on the front of her nose, but there’s a thin line between mere beauty flaws and the manifestations of a real woman.

She does wear makeup and seems to have a preference for red lipstick, which is repulsive; I hate lipstick; but perhaps that’s a nod to her not-so-secret sexual (bisexual) inhibitions, which, looks aside, make her all the more milfy.

my rating : 3 of 5

2022

video review : Jackass Number Two

video review : Jackass Number Two

There’s a scene here in which a guy is about to sit on a frozen sculpture molded into the shape of a horse. The goal is to sprinkle water on his testicles so that they’ll stick to the horse as he sits on it. Amidst a few seconds of hesitation, or perhaps a smidgen of common sense starting to emerge, his friend says, “Don’t think about; just do it.”

That’s the philosophy as they up the ante by humiliating and endangering themselves even more than they did in the first Movie. From bullfighting to leeching their eyeballs to drinking animal sperm to eating shit, little is left to the imagination as Johnny Knoxville and his gang further blur the line between comedy and disgust.

It’s extreme shock value; still the only interesting thing they have to offer. That’s fine when it’s funny. When it isn’t, and it usually isn’t, you’re left with the realization that you’re watching a crew of clowns having more fun behind the screen than you are watching them. At that point, you have to ask yourself who the Jackass really is.

my rating : 3 of 5

2006

video review : Jackass 3D
video review : Jackass Forever

video review : Jackass [ The Movie ]

video review : Jackass [ The Movie ]

There has to be something said about grown men reckless enough to humiliate and endanger themselves, literally risking permanent injury if not death, for the sake of a good laugh. Slapstick comedy is the rule for MTV’s Jackass. This Movie version, stripped of television censorship and the controversy that comes with testing the boundaries of it, takes it to the extreme.

From carting thru flying rocks to sticking toy cars up their rectums, you wonder what kind of testosterone, adrenaline or peer pressure it takes to motivate these dim-witted stuntmen. They’re a cross between Super Dave Osborne and The Three Stooges, but, with no wit or narrative cohesion to hold your interest, shock is the only value a Movie like this has to offer.

my rating : 3 of 5

2002

video review : Jackass Number Two
video review : Jackass 3D
video review : Jackass Forever

video review : The Hunt

video review : The Hunt

The climax reminds me of the fight sequence at Vernita’s house in Kill Bill, but lack of innovative isn’t the problem here. It’s the silliness of the plot. The Hunt, which has a handful of people engaged in a sort of political civil war, goes for comedy; my least favorite movie genre; instead of taking itself seriously.

There’s plenty of violence and gore, and those are the most entertaining parts, but it’s mostly cartoonish; an eyeball stuck on the heel of a shoe. Neither is there anything particularly clever about the overarching satire, which, for what it’s worth, aims at both (conservative) “deplorables” and (liberal) “cucks”.

my rating : 3 of 5

2020

Pringles Scorchin Hot Ones : Los Calientes Verde

Pringles Scorchin Hot Ones : Los Calientes Verde

These Pringles, based on Los Calientes Hot Sauce, are all about the heat. The Scorchin brand logo even has a burning thermometer in place of the “i”. They don’t seem that hot when you first start eating them, but eventually your mouth; tongue and even lips; are indeed set ablaze.

They taste pretty good otherwise. Why anyone would want to experience pain while eating, or doing anything else for that matter, has always been beyond me. When I eat food promoted as Hot, it’s despite the pain, not because of it, and these chips (Crisps) are no exception.

my rating : 3 of 5

audio review : Curtain Call [ The Hits ] ( album ) … Eminem

“Hi” was his formal introduction to the world; “My name is Slim Shady.” Almost seven years later, after becoming the most famous rapper ever, Eminem returns to the stage for a Curtain Call. It’s a compilation of his most popular songs; The Hits; plus a few new ones.

Fack, an odd start, finds him shoving a gerbil in his ass. “This don’t mean I’m gay,” he declares, “I don’t like men.” It’s a silly song that has the rapper, a genius during his Shady LP debut, squirting a wad of babble. That’s the problem with too much of his recent stuff.

His rap skills have steadily declined; a fact that would standout like a thumb sore from holding the mic too long if these songs were ordered chronologically. Then there’s the problem an Eminem Hits album was bound to create; that most of his best songs aren’t hits at all.

Guilty Conscious and Stan; a studio version featuring Elton John singing and playing the piano like he does on the Live one would be epic; represent Eminem at his best, but they’re here amongst a bunch of corny chart-toppers like Without Me and Mockingbird.

my rating : 3 of 5

2005

audio review : Curtain Call 2 ( album ) … Eminem

video review : Mean Girls 2

video review : Mean Girls 2

Perhaps the 2 should’ve been swapped with Too. This is a movie about a trio of Mean Girls; North Shore high schoolers known as The Plastics; but it’s a whole new class. The original members graduated years ago along with all their schoolmates, including Cady. Here her role of a fresh face in a strange new world is played by a loner named Jo.

It’s an unnecessary sequel that plays more like a conceptual remake, but it’s an aesthetic match not only when it comes to the attractiveness of the girls but the decency of the plot. The movie never really gets good; the constant comedy attempts only sometimes hit the mark; but it’s about as entertaining as the first movie if not a bit better.

my rating : 3 of 5

2011

video review : Mean Girls

video review : Mean Girls

Mean Girls, which focuses on a high school freshman named Cady, never really gets good, but it’s an interesting watch all the while. That’s thanks mainly to its charming array of colorful characters, trendy music and classy backdrops. The whole cool-teen-flick atmosphere goes down to near perfection, but the plot, along with much of the awkward dialogue and odd comedy attempts, fails it.

The story revolves around Cady’s introduction to life in modern America, after growing-up home-schooled by her parents in ancient Africa, and the social politics that come with it. She’s instantly cliqued by a trio of girls called The Plastics; also known as the hottest girls in the school; and two artsy outsiders who hate them and want nothing more than to use her to penetrate their inner circle.

my rating : 3 of 5

2004

video review : Mean Girls 2

audio review : Renaissance ( album ) … Beyoncé

audio review : Renaissance ( album ) ... Beyoncé

This would be Beyoncé’s Confessions On A Dance Floor; speaking of overrated music goddesses; if not for the two songs in the middle. Plastic Off The Sofa won’t necessarily put you to sleep; its 1970s-inspired soul semblance is quite likable; but it breaks the flow of what was, up to that point, a dynamic dance album. Virgo’s Groove gets back on track conceptually, but it belongs in a different club than the rest of the set.

Those two songs should’ve been omitted for the sake of sonic cohesion. Their inclusion is the album’s biggest blemish. Beyoncé leaves a lot to be desired in the way of vocal melody when she actually sings; she seems to prefer annoying us with ghetto rap chants; but it’s hard to go wrong over these beats. “Dance all night,” the queen commands before comparing her pussy juice to Honey, and the music encourages you to do just that.

Standout songs include Move, though it doesn’t vibe until the chords drop halfway in, and Alien Superstar, though its catchy Princesque chorus is abandoned at the two-thirds mark. Cuff It is another highlight, but perhaps it should’ve been saved for the Sofa/Virgo EP and the way it blends into the Energy bit makes for an awkward track cut. The point is that, while the album stands as one of Beyoncé’s best, it has its flaws.

my rating : 3 of 5

2022

audio review : Bobby Digital And The Pit Of Snakes ( album ) … Rza

audio review : Bobby Digital And The Pit Of Snakes ( album ) ... Rza

This Bobby Digital project is promoted as both the new Rza album and the “soundtrack” to his new graphic novel. Conceptually it works better as the latter. As a solo release, even a pseudonymous one, it makes for an odd affair as the hip-hop Clansman outnumbers himself with not just Snakes but eyebrow-raising guest crooners à la De La Soul’s Anonymous Nobody.

Some of those hooks make for the best parts though. Something Going On is a definite highlight. Even the Broadway-like harmonies of Cowards are pleasant enough on the ears. The music on these songs seems to be led by a live band of instrumentalists, which gives the album; with a mere seven songs, it’s actually more like an EP; a fresh, if not comically epic, vibe.

my rating : 3 of 5

2022

Brim’s Fried Pork Rinds

Brim's Fried Pork Rinds

There’s a Bible quote on the back of the bag about God’s everlasting “mercy”; Brimhall Foods is apparently a Christian company; but he’s not so merciful when it comes to swine. These Fried Pork Rinds are the remains of skinned pigs; the only other ingredient is salt; which makes for a decent snack. Beware of the dark ones though. They’ll put a chip in your tooth.

my rating : 3 of 5