Category: reviews

Old Orchard Healthy Balance : Strawberry Watermelon

Old Orchard Healthy Balance : Strawberry Watermelon

This juice tastes like garbage. That’s not to say it’s nasty; it isn’t; just that its flavor is comparable to the sweet smell of trash. It also smells like trash; it’s probably the smell that causes it to taste that way; but without the repugnant stench that often comes with it.

Aside from that, the drink, from the Old Orchard Healthy Balance line, isn’t bad. It’s mostly water and apple juice, so the name is misleading, but there is some Strawberry and Watermelon juice added. No sugar though; just sucralose, which may be as bad for your Health.

my rating : 3 of 5

audio review : High Off Life ( album ) … Future

audio review : High Off Life ( album ) ... Future

Future is a rich man with a lavish collection of jewelry and several luxury cars; his money and fame attract so many “bad bitches”, it’s Hard To Choose One; so it’s no wonder he’s High Off Life. He’s also high on “green”. This, his eight album, serves as a soundtrack to his biography; at least the parts he wants us to know about.

Not that his heavily Auto-Tuned vocals are the highlight here. The best parts are the gritty Trap beats; those of us who can’t switch the “yellow Lambo” with the “green Ferrari” have to be careful not to blow our woofers with all this bass; though the set would be a lot less interesting without his singsong raps to set the scenes.

my rating : 3 of 5

2020

video review : Delirious ( comedy special ) … Eddie Murphy

video review : Delirious ( comedy special ) ... Eddie Murphy

I don’t know about Delirious, but Eddie Murphy is certainly hilarious in this HBO special. It’s a stand-up comedy show live from Washington DC, but there’s nothing politically correct about it. Even with kids in the audience, Murphy comes with a barrage of raunchy jokes, often via personal anecdotes and spot-on celebrity impressions. He also goes after white people and “fags”, but it’s all in fun. “I fuck with everybody,” he says, “I don’t give a fuck.”

my rating : 5 of 5

1983

audio review : Heal The World ( song ) … Michael Jackson

This sounds like a cover of an old pop standard perhaps from the catalogue of The Carpenters. According to the credits, it’s composed entirely by Michael Jackson; its philanthropic theme is to the Dangerous album what Man In The Mirror was to Bad; with musical accompaniment from John Bahler and Marty Paich.

It’s a song mostly layered in schmaltz, but they’re beautiful oceans nonetheless. Jackson’s quivering vocal melodies sound superb. The only bruises (flaws) I can see (hear) have to do with certain words that should rhyme not rhyming (“brothers/plowshares”) and an adult starting monologue being spoken by what sounds like a kid.

my rating : 4 of 5

1991

Phineas Gage [ A Gruesome But True Story About Brain Science ] ( book ) … John Fleischman

Phineas Gage [ A Gruesome But True Story About Brain Science ] ( book ) ... John Fleischman

This book; a True Story only in the sense most historical biographies are, meaning it’s based on what someone says other people said happened; is compelling at the start. That’s partly because it begins with the Gruesome; Phineas Gage is “world famous” for being cranially impaled by a tamping iron; instead of eventually leading into it.

Once the tale of his Horrible Accident is told, John Fleischman is left stretching the rest of Gage’s otherwise unexceptional life out with what comes across as an extended epilogue. He does so by digressing into detailed medical synopses and Science lessons regarding the Brain, comparing what we “know” now to what they knew back in the 1800s.

my rating : 3 of 5

2002

video review : UFC 261

video review : UFC 261

Despite Jake Paul, this is one of the best events in the history of The UFC. Every bout on the main card ends early either shockingly or spectacularly. The first two are TKOs in the loosest sense. Anthony Smith continues the trend of leg kick finishes after a doctor steps in to give an injured Jimmy Crute the MMA equivalent of a sobriety test. Uriah Hall, in a surreality destined to be a viral sensation, breaks Chris Weidman’s leg the same way he (Weidman) broke Anderson Silva’s.

Jéssica Andrade’s loss to Valentina Shevchenko, a TKO by strikes, serves as an intermission as its the one fight that ends as expected. Then, just when you think you can breathe again, Rose Namajunas shocks the world by knocking out Weili Zhang with a first-round head kick; the aftermath of which provides the most endearing moment of the night. “I’m the best,” Namajunas chants just before becoming champion and weeping with the belt around her waist. Joe Rogan apparently cries too.

The main event was unwarranted; Jorge Masvidal didn’t deserve another title shot and I figured he’d lose again, even with a full training camp; but Kamaru Usman delivers a surprisingly impressive finish by knocking him out. If you hadn’t been putting respect on Usman’s name up to this point; the crowd boos not only him but also Weili Zhang on their way to The Octagon; it’s about time you start. The Nigerian fighter is on his way to becoming, much like this UFC event, one of the best ever.

my rating : 4 of 5

2021

audio review : Sex Packets ( album ) … Digital Underground

audio review : Sex Packets ( album ) ... Digital Underground

The Humpty Dance introduction, which references a song from the other (forthcoming) side of the tape; the full version of this album can only be heard on cassette; should come at the end. That would put The Way We Swing at the beginning where it belongs. The sloppy order of these songs stands, rather lies drugged-out on a cum-stained mattress, as the only major flaw on an album that’s otherwise rather amusing.

That’s thanks mostly to the innovative mind of Shock G, which is influenced not only by “biochemically compacted sexual affection”; the concept of this project pushes erotic “hallucinogens”; but George Clinton and other eccentric Funk artists from the 1970s. Some of these bits are genius. Sex Packets, like De La Soul’s 3 Feet High And Rising, is a prime example of a damn good, clever and creative Hip-Hop debut.

my rating : 4 of 5

1990

video review : Jake Paul versus Ben Askren at Triller Fight Club

video review : Jake Paul versus Ben Askren at Triller Fight Club

Even ignoring all the annoying theatrics; the dancing robot, the epilepsy lights, the gay commentary; this fight leaves much to be desired. Jake Paul lands a right hook near the middle of the very first round, Ben Askren falls down but stands back up, albeit a little wobbly, and the referee stops the fight.

It’s an unwarranted stoppage from what I can see; Askren looks poised and ready to continue by the time the ref calls it; but nonetheless another ignominious loss on his once immaculate fighting record. Perhaps the reported half-million he’s earning makes up for it. Snoop Dogg apparently bet on Jake.

my rating : 2 of 5

2021

video review : Cassidy versus Hitman Holla at Max Out

video review : Cassidy versus Hitman Holla at Max Out

It’s a nice surprise what Hitman Holla does at the end of his third and final verse, but Cassidy wins this battle handily. Neither rapper has the skills to justify their inflated egos, but Cass is consistently better.

The “half to death” bit from his second verse would be a classic if he had the gumption to delivery it right. No such quotables from Hitman Holla, the rambunctious little brother of whom needs to be put in time-out.

my rating : 3 of 5

2021

audio review : Basket Case [ Original Motion Picture Soundtrack ]

audio review : Basket Case [ Original Motion Picture Soundtrack ]

The only music that matters here is that of the End Credits and all of its interpolative preludes. That is the Basket Case theme song and it’s epic; much better than the movie itself actually; which makes this official Soundtrack, composed by Gus Russo and released about 35 years late, the opposite of anticlimactic.

my rating : 3 of 5

2017

video review : Ghost

video review : Ghost

The Ghost is Sam Wheat; a New York City banker with a girlfriend named Molly he plans to marry. Those plans are ruined one night when he’s targeted by a mugger. That’s the point in which this movie goes from a boring romantic prelude to something interesting. Sam is shot during the attack but still chases the guy until he realizes he’s lying on the ground behind himself in Molly’s weeping arms.

The plot has to do with his efforts to save Molly; her boy-haired look suggests her next “ditto” will be in the arms of another woman; from a similar fate. Sam’s killing wasn’t random; a reveal that begins a crafty balance of drama, action and comedy. That latter genre, which makes for the best parts, comes almost solely at the hands of Whoopi Goldberg as a “spiritual” medium named Oda Mae Brown.

my rating : 4 of 5

1990

audio review : This Is An EP Release ( EP ) … Digital Underground

audio review : This Is An EP Release ( EP ) ... Digital Underground

The first song; Same Song; is a good song. They, rather Underground frontman Shock G, should’ve saved it for the next album. It seems a little out of place here as one of only three new cuts; the other two are merely decent; on an oddball EP that should’ve never been Released.

Parts of it are from the soundtrack to the movie Nothing But Trouble. Others serve as a Remix companion to Sex Packets. There’s a tamer version of The Way We Swing and a dub version of Rhymin On The Funk in which Shock G and alter ego Humpty Hump Argue about said music.

The best song though, not just of the Remixes but the whole set, is a new and improved version of Packet Man. The original basic beat is replaced with the kind of horny piano ensemble Vanessa; uh-uh, not the X-rated video queen; might sing to and it sounds quite gratifying.

my rating : 3 of 5

1991