video review : American Wedding

This third and supposedly final serving of American Pie only proves the franchise has descended into a mushy plate of shit. It begins with Jim proposing to Michelle before building to the Wedding itself via a mix of boring dialogue, sloppy editing and bad acting.

Stifler, arguably the most memorable character of the series, holds that last category almost alone. He, like the movie itself, becomes a cliché of himself. Stifler is supposed to be obnoxious and annoying but in a funny way. Here he’s just obnoxious and annoying.

my rating : 1 of 5

2003

video review : Petey Wheatstraw [ The Devil’s Son-In-Law ]

This is a fireball of bad acting, brainless dialogue and inane plotting with a heap of idiotic facial expressions and corny soul music thrown in for good measure. What’s entertaining is Rudy Ray Moore when he’s doing what he does best, but even his signature shit-talking gets stale as hell after a while.

my rating : 1 of 5

1977

video review : Spice World [ The Spice Girls Movie ]

I like their music, but neither it nor their looks; Scary is the most savory; can save this Spice Girls movie from the pits of blandness. It’s like a 90-minute Girl Power promo in which the bunch, literally playing caricatures of themselves, babble about nothing in a language only deep England can fully understand.

my rating : 1 of 5

1997

video review : The Jacket

There’s a scene in this movie in which one character says to another, “You don’t understand”. That second character responds, “Try and help me understand.” “I don’t understand,” a third character says about ten minutes or fifteen years later. Yeah, it’s a confusing movie.

It’s about a former US soldier stricken with amnesia after receiving a head wound in The Gulf War. He’s charged with murder a year later after hitching a ride with a guy who kills a cop and sent to a mental institution where he becomes a lab rat for a time traveler.

The plot is as stupid as it seems. Despite its sleek visual style; the morgue drawer inspires some cool flashback scenes; the story goes nowhere interesting or entertaining fast, even when it’s going nearly two decades into the future and back within the blink of an eye.

my rating : 1 of 5

2005

video review : Land Of The Dead

George Romero created something special with Night Of The Living Dead. Land just bores you to death. There’s plenty of violent action, but that’s part of the problem. With all the explosions and gunshots, the vapid storyline never has a chance to build suspense. It doesn’t even feel like a zombie movie. For screaming out loud, since when do they know how to shoot back?

my rating : 1 of 5

2005

video review : Dawn Of The Dead

Night Of The Living Dead is a horror classic. Dawn, the title of which suggests it takes place the following morning; if the background calendars are up to date, it’s actually over a decade later; is a mess.

This, in comparison to the original, is easily the worst movie sequel I’ve ever seen. The narrative degradation from a serious thriller to what at times seems like wacky slapstick is staggeringly disappointing.

That the ghoul-shooting protagonists are no longer confined to a small house; most of this story takes place in an “indoor” shopping mall; is part of the problem. The rest has to do with the deadpan plot.

my rating : 1 of 5

1979

video review : Blair Witch 2 : Book Of Shadows

The Blair Witch Project is indeed “cool”. It’s also clever and creepy. Part 2, directed by Joe Berlinger, is a shitfest. It doesn’t even look like a documentary. It looks like a Hollywood movie with horrid acting and a plot that’s even worse.

my rating : 1 of 5

2000

video review : The Goonies

The Goonies are reject kids who live for fun and wonder, use “gnarly” as an interjection, scream “Geronimo” down water slides and refer to each other as “guys” a little too much.

These imitation Hardy Boys and girls journey thru caves and taverns rigged with traps and bats, but the scariest bit is a grotesque being who looks like Bert from the back.

Maybe the movie, with its crude plot, idiotic comedy attempts and all, wouldn’t be so bad if the kids, especially the fat one and the Chinese one, weren’t so damn annoying.

my rating : 1 of 5

1985

video review : Audition

A cute girl is the only interesting thing this movie has going for it. She’s a 24-year-old named Asami who falls in love with an older man after auditioning for a video project of his. Things aren’t what they seem in either case.

That’s where the plot goes from a boring romance to an unintelligible thriller. There are a few sadomasochistic shock scenes for your viewing pleasure, but, even with bone-shearing wire at its disposal, the film just doesn’t cut it.

my rating : 1 of 5

1999

video review : Halloween : The Curse Of Michael Myers

They stopped numbering them, but make no mistake about it; this is Halloween 6. Perhaps 666 is more accurate. As the Curse word implies, the religious anti-Christ undertone of the story; remember Michael Myers has been Evil since the beginning; has taken over and now it’s sillier than ever. There’s a funny bit involving a radio show early on, but this entry is mostly awful.

my rating : 1 of 5

1995

video review : Halloween 3 [ Season Of The Witch ]

What the hell is this? It certainly isn’t a Halloween movie. The main character, a doctor named Daniel, watches one on TV. I guess that’s supposed to be the link. What a ruse. The plot has nothing to do with the 1978 original, which might not be so bad if it weren’t so stupid. Michael Myers is replaced with killer androids in business suits.

my rating : 1 of 5

1982

V8 Vegetable Juice Cocktail : Sea Salt And Clam Juice

They call this a cocktail, but there’s no alcohol in it. There may as well be. I don’t think it could make the taste much worse. It’s Sea Salt And Clam, more sea salt than clam, which tastes about as disgusting as it sounds.

I don’t like anything salty. A hint can be nice, but I never put salt on anything and opt for saltless items at the grocery store. That’s the problem. This drink, juiced from sweet potatoes and tomatoes, is too salty.

my rating : 1 of 5

AMANDA MURPHY :

You don’t like anything salty but you bought a product called “SEA SALT and Clam”?

a Christian tract called The Monster
PJ Ferguson And The Tennessee Strange performing
a Christian talking about his belief in God
a college student talking about black history and racism
a woman talking about dating and relationships
Disney Springs at night
a theist admitting he can't justify his belief in a God
a Christian asserting "the truth" of God's existence
me talking about Gods and other stupid beliefs
cars arriving at Gumball 3000 on Amelia Island
an American white ibis and a great blue heron
Dirty Harry's Wet T-Shirt Contest