audio review : Fetch The Bolt Cutters ( album ) … Fiona Apple

audio review : Fetch The Bolt Cutters ( album ) ... Fiona Apple

Perhaps the title doubles as a reference to how long it took for Fiona Apple to release this album. At this rate, it’ll be about another decade until we get another one. With that it demands careful and repeated listens, at least for her loyal and patient fans.

I’m one, though I haven’t liked a Fiona Apple album since Extraordinary Machine, the best songs of which were produced by Jon Brion. He also moved The Pawn, probably her best album. Is it coincidence the quality of her music declined when they split ways?

Fetch The Bolt Cutters sounds more like The Idler Wheel, which offered Anything We Want and Valentine; Largo would easily be the best song if it were actually on that album; as highlights. Most of its songs are middling though, which is also the case here.

It seems Fiona Apple needs to be reacquainted with melody, at least at the breaks where it matters. Most of these songs aren’t bad, but she’s too comfortable repeating awkward bars of fortune cookie poetry; “Evil is a Relay sport”; and passing it off as a hook.

The Mellotron riff on Rack Of His sounds enchanting though, even as Apple offers little of substance to accommodate it vocally. She does better on Cosmonauts, where she actually manages a cutesy chorus, and the feel-good feminist anthem Ladies.

my rating : 3 of 5

2020

audio review : Sextape 4 ( album ) … The-Dream

audio review : Sextape 4 ( album ) ... The-Dream

The-Dream’s Sextape was supposed to be a Ménage À Trois, but here it is; part 4, which, given it’s predecessor is a threesome, comes across as conceptually excessive. Not that the girls won’t enjoy listening to it while getting their Brains fucked Out.

Not every song is about sex; Take Care and Nothing Will Feel The Same dabble in straight romance; but, aside from the album’s aforementioned mere existence, its only major flaw is that the interlude-like Notice and Spiritual set should be one song.

Sextape 4 gets off to a Passionate start. Yep, that’s Sean Combs doing his classic Bad Boy ad-libs in the background. Other aesthetic climaxes include Hard 4 Me; a song about The-Dream giving a girl a powerful orgasm; Ecstasy and Say Something.

my rating : 3 of 5

2020

video review : Christine

video review : Christine

Christine is an antique 1958 Plymouth Fury and, like most old cars, she has issues. “She’s real sensitive,” owner Arnie Cunningham warns. What he means is that if you offend his car, she might try to kill you.

Those scenes are the best parts in this love story of man and machine. It’s Arnie who fixes Christine up from trash to treasure. His transformation from class nerd to psycho enthusiast is less convincing.

my rating : 3 of 5

1983

video review : Cat’s Eye

video review : Cat's Eye

This is a trilogy of Stephen King stories. The first, Quitters Inc, about a clinic that goes to extreme measures to get people to stop smoking, is a drag. The Ledge and General; General is the name of the Cat that strings these little movies together; are better.

my rating : 3 of 5

1985

Night Shift ( book ) … Stephen King

Night Shift ( book ) ... Stephen King

Perhaps it’s just my finickiness, but the inclusion of Night Surf and Graveyard Shift seem to clash with the title of this book; a set of mostly previously published Stephen King stories from Cavalier and other monthly magazines.

They’re promoted as horror and most are indeed eerie while The Last Rung On The Ladder and The Woman In The Room, the latter of which seems tacked on after what would’ve been Salem’s Lot bookends, aim for mere poignancy.

Stephen King stories, at least these, are usually best during the build-up. The endings can be rather anticlimactic; namely in the cases of Quitters Inc, The Boogeyman and The Lawnmower Man. Strawberry Spring is downright stupid.

my rating : 3 of 5

1978

video review : The Invisible Man

video review : The Invisible Man

The Invisible Man’s best moments are its two most surprising ones. The first involves a girl being punched in the face. The second involves a woman getting her throat slit. There’s also a poignant scene involving an email message. They’re dramatic highlights in a movie that is otherwise a bit of a mess.

What’s nearly as unbelievable as a woman claiming her dead abusive ex-boyfriend is alive and invisibly stalking her; it would help if Cecilia’s role were played by someone pretty; are some of these gaping plot holes. By the end, this psychological thriller, which begins interestingly enough, has gotten rather silly.

my rating : 3 of 5

2020

video review : The Gentlemen

video review : The Gentlemen

I’m guessing the Gentlemen title is made in jest as these characters are anything but. The main one is a violent drug lord named Mickey. The plot has to do with his efforts to get out of the business.

Except it’s a lot more complicated than that. Confusing would be a better word. The snappy dialogue and quick-cut editing demand your undivided attention in order not to get lost in the steak sauce.

my rating : 3 of 5

2020

video review : Return To Oz

video review : Return To Oz

The one thing this sequel improves on compared to the original Wizard Of Oz from nearly a half century ago is that, though the story takes place six months later, Dorothy is played by a much younger and prettier actress, which is more appropriate for the character.

Everything else about Return To Oz is decidedly inferior. It’s darker in tone and thus less fun, sure, but its most conspicuous flaw is the missing songs. The only music here comes in the form of dramatic orchestration as Dorothy ventures with friends new and old.

my rating : 3 of 5

1985

audio review : Official ( album ) … MC Eiht

audio review : Official ( album ) ... MC Eiht

Eiht is one of the more prolific rappers in the game. Here’s 27 songs to add to his list. Like most of the others, the beats are the best parts. Despite his title, the MC has never ranked above average.

He’s especially incompetent during the breaks, which turn would-be decent songs like Long Time Comin and Bang On Em into Official duds. The one true banger is a duet with Tha Chill entitled Why.

my rating : 3 of 5

2020

Sprinkles Bunny Big Pop

Sprinkles Bunny Big Pop

This Palmer lollipop, which tastes like birthday cake icing, would be better if it were made with just white chocolate. The candy sprinkles along with the color coating used for the Bunny’s eyes, nose and bow tie give it life but the combination is too sweet.

my rating : 3 of 5

video review : The Garbage Pail Kids Movie

video review : The Garbage Pail Kids Movie

You don’t have to collect the trading cards to be entertained by this Movie. You need only strengthen your stomach and open your mind wide enough to dump yourself into its campy charm. It’s about a group of Kids “blessed with unusual features”.

There’s a girl who Vomits, a girl with a snotty nose, a boy who farts, a Nerd with acne who can’t hold his bladder, a 1950s-style tough guy, a Mommyless baby with bad breath and an Ali Gator with a toe fetish. Flaws and all, they’re a likeable bunch.

They’re conjured from a Garbage Pail to the “normie” world at an old antique shop ran by a philosophical magician after the boy who works there tips it over by mistake during a scuffle with the local bullies, one of which he has a romantic crush on.

The baby with the bad breath provides the funniest parts; namely the Binaca spray and movie theater slap scenes. Another standout is the Working song the Kids sing about a third in. I wish there were more. The Movie would work better as a musical.

my rating : 3 of 5

1987

audio review : Little Big Man ( album ) … Bushwick Bill

audio review : Little Big Man ( album ) ... Bushwick Bill

I’ll keep this short. Bushwick Bill is the second Geto Boy to drop a solo album. He’s also the Crazyest. This project ends with J Prince helping the Skitso escape from what sounds like the psych ward of a maximum security prison. There’s a sequel to his Chuckie theme and a KKK rant, but the best song is Ever So Clear; a poignant memoir about what happened to his eye.

my rating : 3 of 5

1992