Tag: eats

video review : The Survivalist

video review : The Survivalist

Never trust a ho. A supposed survivalist foolishly breaks this vital rule of the game. It’s a blunder that, in a story less inclined to political correctness, could’ve made for some interesting conflict. Instead cliché romance develops. There’s a third person in the mix; the woman’s pimp mom; but she’s disposed of in a most unconventional way. This is a movie that’s merely endurable. The best part is when Mia Goth shows her tits.

my rating : 2 of 5

2015

Naked : Kale Blazer

Naked : Kale Blazer

“Nutrition is delicious by Nature”? I say it can be but usually isn’t. It never is when it comes to vegetables and this is a mixture of pure vegetable juice; mostly kale, which tastes nasty on its own; along with fruit juice for sweetness.

The fruit (orange/apple/lemon) part does wonders for the taste, but it’s nowhere near delicious. Neither is it disgusting, despite the presence of green pulp. Drink this as a healthy alternative to unhealthy sugar drinks that taste a lot better.

my rating : 3 of 5

video review : Meadowland

video review : Meadowland

A man and woman lose their kid. That’s not a euphemism for death. They literally lose him at a gas station one day. The presumption is that he was kidnapped; the premise for a potentially engrossing story; but director Reed Morano ruins it by skipping to the boring epilogue. That means we’re forced to watch the parents mope as uneventful month by uneventful month goes by.

The movie focuses more on the woman, played by Olivia Wilde, as she goes down a spiral that is odd and a little absurd. Eating old cookie crumbs, smoking crack, having sex with strangers; her naked ass in the sex scene is the best part; and stalking little boys may be a part of her personality, but it seems unlikely simply losing a child of her own would make her do such things.

my rating : 2 of 5

2015

audio review : The Buffet ( album ) … R Kelly

audio review : The Buffet ( album ) ... R Kelly

Sticking with clunky analogies; the album title would be more tasteful without the “The”; the most playful part of this meal is a dish entitled Marching Band, which itself is filled with clunky analogies. If R Kelly is a poet, as he suggests, he’s not a good one. “She blow me like a tuba,” he says; The Buffet is a metaphor for a sexy woman’s body; “I beat it up like a snare drum.” It’s a good (enough) song though. Most of the others serve as aesthetic side dishes.

Beatwise, Wake Up Everybody and Backyard Party sound like classic R. It’s their choruses that disappoint. Switch Up, featuring Lil Wayne and Jeremih, and Let’s Be Real Now, a duet with the prettiest girl Kelly’s ever collabed with; no offense to daughter Ariirayé; are downright silly. The album offers a variety of “R&B”; The Buffet also serves as a metaphor for that; but there’s nothing here to suggest he’s (still) The King of it. More like the palace’s head chef.

my rating : 3 of 5

2015