video review : 3 From Hell

video review : 3 From Hell

When I first heard Rob Zombie would bring back The Devil’s Rejects after they went out like Thelma And Louise nearly a decade and a half ago, I figured it would be some sort of prequel. This isn’t. It’s a bona fide sequel featuring the original members with one disappointing caveat.

While all 3 Rejects are here, Captain Spaulding, the most enthralling, is limited to a cameo role. That’s reportedly the result of real-life health problems. The actor, Sid Haig, is 80 years old. He’s replaced by a less interesting brother of Otis, who helps him (Otis) escape from prison.

That’s one of many blatant implausibilities happening in this movie, including the fact that the Rejects are still alive in the first place, though it’s Baby’s escape that’s most absurd. Once the new trio is set, the plot starts to get good, but by then it’s almost at the halfway point.

The best parts are still the kills; what I like most about Rob Zombie movies is the amoral depiction of brutal violence; but 3 seems incomplete without Cutter. A phone call in Mexico gives the peak dramatic suspense, but this is the worst movie in the Firefly trilogy.

my rating : 3 of 5

2019

video review : 31

video review : 31

The first scene, a black and white introduction to a Jokeresque clown; but don’t call him that; named Doom Head, is intense. 31, named after the game of death five unlucky protagonists find themselves in, mostly falters from there. It’s Rob Zombie’s version of Saw; some people are actually killed with chainsaws; perhaps a sign the filmmaker is running out of ideas.

my rating : 3 of 5

2016

video review : The Lords Of Salem

video review : The Lords Of Salem

It’s the supernatural theme, which has to do with witches and Satan, that holds this otherwise interesting movie down. The best parts are when humans engage in normal conversations, albeit often about said abnormal topics. When creatures appear and the horror begins, mostly in the form of abstract cutaways revolving around a radio DJ named Heidi, the plot grinds to a bloody halt.

my rating : 3 of 5

2012

video review : House Of 1000 Corpses

video review : House Of 1000 Corpses

This movie is less about the House than its occupants; a family of sadistic killers that make The Addams look normal. The Corpses are the mummified remains of their victims, most of whom were tortured to death.

An unlucky four pay an inadvertent visit the night before Halloween after picking up a hitchhiker girl. The car suddenly breaks down, so the girl says she lives within walking distance and her brother has a tow truck.

There isn’t really much of a plot beyond that and there doesn’t need to be. The charm of this horror flick, which is directed, occasionally like a song video, by White Zombie frontman Rob Zombie, is its zany gory style.

my rating : 4 of 5

2003

video review : The Devil’s Rejects
video review : 3 From Hell

video review : Total Recall

video review : Total Recall

Douglas Quaid’s wife is hot, especially when she’s fighting up a sweat. He loses her, along with the normal life he thought he had, after going to Rekall, a corporation that sells fake vacation memories via brain implants. He chooses the Mars trip with the option of being a “secret agent”.

Things go wrong immediately and that’s when the adventure begins. It’s also when the confusion begins as Quaid tries to determine what’s real and what isn’t. The plot sometimes lapses to trite; the hero is prone to corny one-liners; but Total Recall is ultimately a trip that’s both fun and memorable.

my rating : 4 of 5

1990

audio review : Stranger In Moscow ( song ) … Michael Jackson

“How does it feel?” Lonely and cold; gloomy and ominous. The most popular singer in the world has experienced a “swift and sudden fall from grace”, it’s raining; “sunny days seem far away”; and it seems he’s in imminent danger. He’s a Stranger In Moscow.

The song, flawed mainly by a gratuitous prelude; the storm is too quiet; and synth drums that sound somewhat out of place, doesn’t make much of an impact until the final third. That’s when Michael Jackson drops the subtleties and finally opens up vocally.

my rating : 4 of 5

1995

audio review : History ( album ) ... Michael Jackson

audio review : Free Woman ( song ) … Lady Gaga

This song, a feminist dance anthem, doesn’t start sounding good until the final chorus, which is played over a different refrain. “I’m a Free Woman,” Lady Gaga announces from a downtown sidewalk. The two go together well enough to make one wonder how much better the song would be if it kept going like that for another eight or sixteen bars.

my rating : 3 of 5

2020

audio review : Chromatica ( album ) ... Lady Gaga

audio review : On I Go ( song ) … Fiona Apple

I don’t know what Fiona Apple’s Going for here, but she needs to head back and try again. This song; I use that term loosely; is abominable. She repeats the same incoherent vocals over and over again, which might not be so bad if they weren’t off-beat.

“On I go, not toward or away,” she says to what sounds like people banging on pots and pans. It’s probably the worst song she’s ever made; certainly the worst she’s put on an album. It sounds like something that came out while she was on the toilet.

my rating : 1 of 5

2020

audio review : Fetch The Bolt Cutters ( album ) ... Fiona Apple

audio review : Sour Candy ( song ) … Lady Gaga ( featuring Blackpink )

Well, Lady Gaga does seem to have sticky fingers. Not only is the concept of this song similar to the opening theme to Madonna’s Hard Candy, it also sounds like Katy Perry’s Swish Swish, though that latter faux pas has more to do with producers BloodPop and Burns. They made the beat.

Blackpink; apparently every member is featured; come across as more of a novelty than artsy collaborators. Their parts, with all the “yeah”s, are kind of annoying. Gaga does better, especially at the bridge. “I’m hard on the outside,” she says, “but if you give me time, then I could make time for your love.”

my rating : 3 of 5

2020

audio review : Chromatica ( album ) ... Lady Gaga

audio review : Enigma ( song ) … Lady Gaga

What’s puzzling is the concept of this song, which seems to be about romance. “We could be lovers, even just tonight,” Gaga roars, “We could be anything you want.”

It sounds sort of silly the way she says “I’ll” twice when telling this “mystery man” she’ll be his Enigma, but the house music she’s singing to is rather stimulating.

my rating : 3 of 5

2020

audio review : Chromatica ( album ) ... Lady Gaga

audio review : Out My Mind Just In Time ( song ) … Erykah Badu

This ten-minute-plus rhapsody plays like a collection of Badu song demos, but she should’ve limited it to the first one. Undercover Overlover, which takes up two minutes and a half, would be a short song by today’s standards, but it would be one of her best.

It’s a solemn heartbreak ballad; she’s singing about a longtime beau who “thinks he wants another”; led by a lonely piano eventually accompanied by what sounds like an even lonelier violin. This is deep and moody soap opera stuff. The other bits are comparatively anticlimactic.

my rating : 3 of 5

2010

audio review : New Amerykah : Part Two [ Return Of The Ankh ] ... Erykah Badu

audio review : Chosen One ( song ) … Future ( featuring Rocko )

This song peaks early with Future’s verse; the style (flow/delivery) of which is as immaculate as the Phantom he’s driving “like a four-wheeler”. Not that new car care matters much when you’re rich enough to have “ten” of them.

The other best part is the Southside beat, specifically its synth orchestration, which gives the song a sheen of ghetto elegance. Its only flaws, in fact, are that Rocko isn’t rapping like Future and “The” is missing from the title.

my rating : 4 of 5

2013