Category: reviews

audio review : B’day ( album ) … Beyoncé

Beyoncé’s Birthday is like any other for ghetto pop music’s number-one diva. She’s the girl the block jocks want and lame dames want to be in a world where all revolves around girlfriend/boyfriend relationship stuff over sassy hip-hop beats.

“Get on up and shake it,” she commands to the crowd. It’s her party and she’ll scream surprisingly lackluster vocal melodies at the top of her lungs if she wants to. It’s not like anybody’s going to complain. They’re just happy to be invited.

my rating : 3 of 5

2006

video review : The Twilight Zone

video review : The Twilight Zone

The Twilight Zone; a “middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition”; is conceptually an interesting place. It’s how those ideas play out that tend to lead nowhere. The series, presented in five seasons, wouldn’t be bad condensed to a short one of its best stories.

The Fever, The Shelter, It’s A Good Life, The New Exhibit, Living Doll and Night Call would all be included. Most other episodes are subpar, thanks in part to corny hyperbolic characterization. Some, especially the ones that abandon the sci-fi/horror genre for comedy, are downright stupid.

my rating : 2 of 5

1964

Icee Cereal

Icee Cereal

“Feel the freeze,” the catchphrase exclaims. This Cereal “cools your mouth as you eat”. It’s a gimmick that fits the concept; it’s based on those Icee slushies kids drink in the summer; but ultimately ruins the taste. That chalky antacid-like bit, which, ironically enough, starts to become nauseating, lingers long after you’re done eating.

my rating : 2 of 5

Raze Energy : Rainbow

Raze Energy : Rainbow

I don’t think the Rainbow here represents LGBT. At least I hope not. The illustrations on the can suggests it stands for a Rainbow “of flavor”; candy flavors; à la Skittles, though the taste is more akin to bubble gum. In any case there’s “zero sugar”; it’s sweetened with sucralose; and 300 milligrams of caffeine, “which is more than two cups of coffee.”

my rating : 3 of 5

Van Leeuwen French Ice Cream : Caramel Sticky Bun

Van Leeuwen French Ice Cream : Caramel Sticky Bun

This should be called Cinnamon Sticky Bun because it’s the taste of cinnamon, not Caramel, that nearly overwhelms your buds at first bite. It’s a sweet treat indeed, but the best part, especially when you eat your Ice Cream melted down to a lumpy goo as do I, is the additional of actual “cinnamon bun pieces”. Yummy.

my rating : 4 of 5

Nathan’s Famous Hot Dogs at Walmart

Nathan's Famous Hot Dogs at Walmart

These are Nathan’s Famous Hot Dogs sold fresh, warm and ready to eat at, if you’re lucky, your local Walmart. You can usually find them at the deli or near the checkout area wrapped in aluminum foil. It’s good grab-and-go eating for anyone who likes hot dogs, at least when you add your favorite condiment; I prefer just mayo; free packets of which are usually available nearby.

my rating : 4 of 5

audio review : De La Soul Is Dead ( album ) … De La Soul

audio review : De La Soul Is Dead ( album ) ... De La Soul

Dissing yourself is an effective way to prevent other people from dissing you. It’s called self-deprecation and De La Soul takes it to the extreme for what might be hip-hop’s first critic-proof album. De La Soul Is Dead utilizes skits to tell the story of three thugs, led by a guy named Hemroid, who decide to give their new tape a listen after stealing it from a kid they just beat up. They’re listening as you are, in real time, stopping the cassette to state their opinions between tracks.

It’s a clever concept; check for read-along dialogue and comic illustrations in the featured booklet; one that loses its ironic charm if the album is indeed “garbage”. Thus the rap trio, along with producer Prince Paul, do everything in their creative power to make it match the qualitative level of their Rising debut. That it does. The two projects are actually quite similar; twenty-something tracks of mostly good songs with a quirky assortment of samples and bits planted about.

my rating : 4 of 5

1991

audio review : Done By The Forces Of Nature ( song ) … Jungle Brothers

“Tickle tickle, trickle trickle; you can’t buy Nature with a nickel,” Afrika insists before stopping what is supposed to be his second verse for an impromptu saxophone break. That’s one of several quirky bits that help make this song; the title track of the second Jungle Brothers album; the gem it is. “I’ll walk a mile for a funky beat,” Mike G says and this one; a fusion of hip-hop and jazz; certainly is.

my rating : 4 of 5

1989

audio review : Ghetto Music [ The Blueprint Of Hip-Hop ] ( album ) … Boogie Down Productions

audio review : Ghetto Music [ The Blueprint Of Hip-Hop ] ( album ) ... Boogie Down Productions

KRS-One is The Teacher and, as the title of this album suggests, his classes focus, almost exclusively, on two main subjects. Rapping about rap is appropriate enough. The genre is inherently lyrical. It’s his obsession with race, specifically “the black race”, that gets tiresome. Not that this isn’t good (Ghetto) Music because it is. The beats are “slamming” and the aforementioned rhymes are far from wack.

my rating : 4 of 5

1989

C4 Performance Energy : Frozen Bombsicle

C4 Performance Energy : Frozen Bombsicle

The name suggests this should be served chilled from the freezer on a hot summer day, which is how I prefer my Energy drinks, but that would be hard to do on a court or field. C4 is subtly promoted as a sports beverage for “superhuman Performance”, though that could also apply to sex. The taste is par for the course; sweet and Pez-like with a slight sting.

my rating : 3 of 5