Category: reviews

Great Value Ice Cream [ Celebration Edition ] : Pride

Great Value Ice Cream [ Celebration Edition ] : Pride

I won’t get started on how much I detest what this Ice Cream represents, but the inclusion of white chocolate is a pleasant surprise. It tastes more like vanilla though with a hint of Superman. Why it isn’t rainbow-colored like the carton is beyond me, but that’s all it would need to be enjoyable.

Instead, like the “LGBT” initialism and all its ridiculous extensions, they went too far. Cherries alone would have been tolerable or even acceptable. Perhaps they’re what help give rise to Superman. It’s the “brownies”; what homo put these nasty chocolatey bits in my ice cream; that totally ruin it.

my rating : 2 of 5

Nature’s Bakery Fig Bar : Apple Cinnamon

Nature's Bakery Fig Bar : Apple Cinnamon

This Fig Bar; it comes in “twin packs”, so they’re more like fig bars; is among the best I’ve ever had. That’s not saying much because I don’t like the taste of fig, but I do like Apple Cinnamon. The best part though is the soft and crumbly cookie-like coating, which indeed makes for a “wholesome” eating experience.

my rating : 4 of 5

Beach Cliff Sardines [ In Mustard Sauce ]

Beach Cliff Sardines [ In Mustard Sauce ]

There’s fraud going on at Beach Cliff. Some tins of these Sardines have “sardines” listed as the main ingredient, but others say “sprats”. It’s a distinction that, though misleading, probably won’t make a difference to most people given the similarity in flavor. They’re “smothered” In Mustard Sauce the Cliffsmen promote as “marvelous” as if the taste of mustard or sardines could come anywhere close.

my rating : 3 of 5

audio review : Christmas All Over The World ( EP ) … New Edition

audio review : Christmas All Over The World ( EP ) ... New Edition

The best song here is the main one; Christmas All Over The World; a hymn good enough to be a holiday standard. That’s thanks mostly to the chorus, which is both cute and enchanting. The next best is Happy Holidays To You; the only song without the word Christmas in the title. The others, one of which has New Edition covering The Jackson Five, are nothing to write home about.

my rating : 3 of 5

1985

audio review : Clap Your Hands ( song ) … Lyrical Lively

This starts like a corny rap song from the mid-1980s, but give it a minute. Once the bass, chords and that glorious organ riff drop, you know you’re in for something special. It’s a gospel song and a (God)damn good one not so much because of but despite Lively’s lyrics.

The music carries the song; the production is splendid minus the tacky intro; with the minister’s raps more-or-less serving as filler until she finally starts singing near the end. “Clap Your Hands, leap for joy” the chorus goes, “Uh-huh.” That last bit is her catchphrase.

my rating : 4 of 5

2014

audio review : Clap Your Hands ( song ) ... Lyrical Lively

Arm And Hammer Essentials Baby Body Wash And Shampoo

Arm And Hammer Essentials Baby Body Wash And Shampoo

“Formulated with Arm And Hammer baking soda,” the description reads, “this Body Wash gently nourishes and cleanses your baby.” That may be true; the best thing about it is that it’s also fragrance-free; but it barely lathers, at least on my grown-up ass. That’s a major problem because you have to use about twice the amount you normally would to bathe.

my rating : 3 of 5

video review : Orphan : First Kill

video review : Orphan : First Kill

The First twenty minutes or so, most of which serve as a sort of prelude, suggests this; First Kills would be a more accurate title; will be another bad movie sequel, but it gets better. The plot never reaches the watchability of the original Orphan; this is actually a prequel set in 2007; but it has its moments.

The best parts draw (paint) upon the tension around Esther’s secret as she cons herself into the life of a family living in Darien, Connecticut. She plays the role of their missing daughter/sister, but of course things aren’t always what they appear to be. Cue a sudden and anagnorisis plot twist near the halfway point.

It’s a surprise for sure and initially disappointing in its execution, but at least it’s a new idea in a movie sequel that was playing out a bit too much like its predecessor. It’s inferior on the whole but better than the start leads you to believe. I also like the ending as it sets up the main (Orphan) story quite nicely.

my rating : 3 of 5

2022

Katie Hill’s physical appearance

Katie Hill's physical appearance Katie Hill's physical appearance Katie Hill's physical appearance Katie Hill's physical appearance

I don’t know why I want to fuck Katie Hill. She’s not pretty or even cute, her skin is rough and she has two bulges on the front of her nose, but there’s a thin line between mere beauty flaws and the manifestations of a real woman.

She does wear makeup and seems to have a preference for red lipstick, which is repulsive; I hate lipstick; but perhaps that’s a nod to her not-so-secret sexual (bisexual) inhibitions, which, looks aside, make her all the more milfy.

my rating : 3 of 5

2022

video review : The Conjuring

video review : The Conjuring

The prelude, which introduces “paranormal investigators” Ed and Lorraine Warren via their Annabelle Case, is silly, but the following story begins decently enough. It has a family; a husband and wife along with their five daughters; moving into a house in Harrisville, Rhode Island. The year is 1971 and, despite a janky furnace, the retro vibes are warm and inviting.

It’s when the spooks begin; the house is, of course, haunted; that things start to get silly again. Perhaps The Conjuring, with a less ominous title, would’ve been better as a light Brady-Bunch-like coming-of-age story. As is, the movie, which is supposedly based on a true story, with all its lazy horror genre clichés, gets more and more ridiculous the longer it goes.

my rating : 2 of 5

2013

audio review : Get Off The Stage ( album ) … Too Short

audio review : Get Off The Stage ( album ) ... Too Short

Sounding more like a collection of song demos than album number seventeen, Get Off The Stage will have you yelling just that. Too Short has never sounded so uninspired and the beats are basic, but the worst parts by far are the lame-ass hooks. Dum Ditty Dum is downright awful.

I like I Like It; it’s the one good song on the album; and I’m glad Short Dogg came out of retirement when he did to drop some more game on us, but, if it’s gotten to the point where he’s putting out shit like this, it’s time to take his own advice and get the fuck Off The Stage for good.

my rating : 2 of 5

2007

Little Caesars Pizza : Classic Pepperoni

Little Caesars Pizza : Classic Pepperoni

Pizza is my favorite food, especially when it’s served fresh from the oven, and Little Caesars is no exception. Pepperoni is the only topping I need; it strikes a near perfect balance with the cheese; and this, their signature pie, is indeed a Classic.

That’s partly thanks to special spices they put in the sauce, which give the flavor its signature zing. The texture varies from soft to crispy depending on how long it’s been cooked, but I prefer mine soft so that the crust tastes like Crazy Bread.

my rating : 5 of 5

video review : Jackass Forever

video review : Jackass Forever

That the title of this fourth Jackass sequel doesn’t follow in the tradition of the others by utilizing its number in the word Forever is an odd waste of opportunity. It’s also my only major complaint. Bam Margera is relegated to a cameo and Ryan Dunn is dead, but they’re hardly missed. This newest Jackass is every bit as entertaining as the one before it.

It’s even more dangerous as Johnny Knoxville, now 50, gets knocked unconscious by a charging bull. It’s a brief moment of solemnity; he could’ve been paralyzed or killed; among all the wackiness. “Those guys are getting old,” Chris Pontius jokes elsewhere to a fun new cast member named Zach Holmes, “so we’re handing the torch to you.”

my rating : 4 of 5

2021